Get Me to You
by Chicklette
Summary: Winner of Winter 2010 Indie! Pet names and Pop Tarts. Sunday mornings with Etta and Ella. Cibola. Candymouth. You finally realize the truth. What if it's too late? M for drinking, drug use, sex and effing language. ExBxJxAxEm/POV, AH, OOC.
1. Fall

**AN: So, I posted this as a one-shot and then realized that there was more, so I'm writing it. Also, there's a pretty substantial revision to Jasper's piece in this section, so even if you've already read this chapter, you might want to skim through that one to see what you've missed. Sorry! I don't usually revise once I've posted but, gah, I **_**had**_** to. He made me!**

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**Get Me To You**

**Senior Year, Fall**

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_**(Isa)Bella(Trix)**_

It didn't matter that it wasn't going to work with me and Edward. It didn't matter that I loved him with my whole heart, and it didn't matter that for one perfect afternoon and one perfect night he had loved me that way too. What mattered was the here and now. What mattered was that in the morning he was back to himself. Classic Edward.

He tossed my clothes to me on his way to the shower. I rolled down the staircase and fuck her if Esme saw me and I walked home and went to bed. I held the furious tears at bay.

It was just…gone.

The afternoon before though, he had given me that look, that perfect Edward look, my favorite Edward look and when he'd peeled my clothes off of me and kissed me and touched me I felt perfect and I felt like his favorite and goddammit I know that it wasn't my imagination. For one afternoon and one night Edward Cullen loved me. But in the morning? It was hustle and flow and get your shit together and what, did you think I was going to drive you to school? Make some big statement with you in the passenger seat, my arm around you like we're in love or some shit like that? Get going, Swan.

And I was gone.

10 AM, two missed classes and six ignored phone calls later, who comes scraping through my bedroom window but Jasper. The one single fucking person I could count on in this shitty fucking little town. And yeah, he watched my tits like Edward watched my ass and Emmett watched my legs, but that was just boy shit. It was more than that with us. With Jasper it was chill and quiet and bluegrass on the stereo without being embarrassed and strawberry Pop Tarts right out of the box and fuck the crumbs getting all over. With Jasper it was holding hands and nestling into his chest because it was safe to be with him. His heart was with Alice and I knew that, and he knew I knew and there was no space for anyone else there. And my heart was with Edward he knew that too, and he knew that I was safe for him, because I couldn't love them both.

So when he shows up at my window pushing Alison Krauss with Phish and strawberry Pop Tarts and calling me his little Bellatrix, what was I going to say? Get out? Fuck no. I needed him right then. I needed someone, just one fucking someone, to care a little bit about me, to be on my side, just for that day. So he gets under my covers and he puts one honeyed limb around me and I nestle into his chest and cry like love's bitch. And when I cried it all out and there was nothing left he kissed the top of my head and says in that accent, straight out of New Orleans, "Trix, cher, you listening to this?" Because Alison was talking about how if she could, she would. But Trey didn't know how.

And I have to laugh and he grins that Jasper grin and his eyes are honeyed gold, just like his hair, just like his skin and I'm not even thinking anything when I kiss his cheek but he turns at the last second and I hit his mouth and he doesn't pull away and I open my eyes and he's kissing me and looking at me and it's not like kissing a brother or a cousin and it's not like kissing myself but it's warm and sweet and it felt _good._ Good enough that I didn't stop but neither did he and when I shifted and touched his face he closed his eyes and I closed mine and then his hands were in my hair pulling me closer to him and it was _good._

When we finally came up for air I said Alice and he said Edward and we both shook our heads because we both knew that shit wasn't happening for either one of us. And we both knew that if it did happen for one of us that it wouldn't matter because fuck, if he had a shot at Alice, at her loving him? I would want that for him. He was my friend. I couldn't be jealous there. He knew the score and so did I and it was okay because if it wasn't _in love_ it was still love. It was soft and sweet and kindness, not dark and hard and full of tears.

So when he pushed his hand up under my shirt and palmed my breast and I pressed it into his hand it felt good. When his mouth began singing songs against my neck and I wove my fingers into his shaggy blond hair it was good. When I pulled off his shirt and he pulled off mine and I could press myself against him it was hot skin on hot skin that was good. Just like it was good when he rolled onto me and looked down into my eyes and he whispered "my little Bellatrix" which only he called me and I realized in that moment that yes, I was his. I could be this for him. I could give myself up, I could even make some space in the corner of my heart for him. I could love him. Because if I was his Bellatrix then he was my Jas.

I wanted him that day and he wanted me too, but we both knew it was wrong, that I was coming down too hard from Edward and neither one of us wanted_ this_ to be colored with _that._ So he kissed me. He kissed me and kissed me and I kissed him and with every touch of his tongue to mine, with every pass of his lips I was able to tuck Edward away a little further and he was able to put Alice wherever he put her and with the feel of his skin on mine I was able to shove the other stuff aside and then I did make a space in the corner of my heart for him and that was good too.

He stayed with me that day and we did what we always do. We listened to music and we watched movies and we laughed and we solved the problems of the world. He told me why Machiavelli was wrong and I told him to shove his bleeding heart shit up his ass, because the fact of the matter is, sometimes you've got to be ruthless. In between being just us, Trix and Jas, we kissed and we touched and there was a sweetness there that I needed, and he had it to give so I took it.

That night, after he left, I wondered at what we'd started. Would we go back to friends tomorrow? Would we be lovers one day and friends the next and never call it anything? But that wasn't right, and I knew it. That's what Edward would do. And what Edward was; Jasper was not. Jasper was light and sun and warm where Edward was darkness and cold and Every. Fucking. Thing. was a struggle with him. Everything was hard. With Jasper it was easy. It was easy to kiss and then talk and then kiss some more.

The next day I got up and got to school and Jasper was in the parking lot talking to Edward and yeah, that was a hard fucking walk to take, right up to the two of them, because I miss school the day after Edward fucks me and there's not even a text message to check on me, and thank god for that because what? I'm going to interrupt a kiss from Jasper to take a text from Edward? I can't even be that fucked up.

So I walk over and just as the panic is about neck high Jasper becomes Jas and he grabs my wrist and gives me a twirl and says "why Trixie, cher, aren't you lovely today?" and then he pulls a daisy out from behind his ear and tickles my nose with it before he tucks it into my hair. Like that I knew. We were on.

We weren't hiding it, but we weren't flaunting it either. Still Emmett knew fast. But then, he had a sixth sense for when pussy went off the market. I think he mourned it for a minute and I know he wanted to ask Jasper about it and he probably did, but a minute after I saw the recognition in his eyes he was lifting me up by my waist and calling me dollface like he always did and that's how I knew it was all going to be cool. I know he told Rosalie because he couldn't keep shit from her and he gossiped like a girl. But she didn't give a fuck about me or Jasper so I don't know if it even registered. Alice was still busy mooning over the one gay boy in Forks High School, swearing he had style and I like that I was the only one who knew that when Jasper called her cher, he meant it in the Clueless way.

Some people noticed and some people didn't and some people gossiped but mostly they gossiped about us all anyway, so who the fuck cares what they were saying about me and Jasper. If Edward knew, well, he didn't let on and every time I looked his way he had some new girl rocking his jock and that made it all easier. At least he gave me that.

When Edward came to my window three nights later and wanted under my covers I let him in. We talked in the dark and he was my favorite Edward again, he was soft and the gates were open and I got his low laugh in the dark. I got him whispering Isabella, like it was a secret word, a password. Like it would get him into Cibola. But he didn't try to kiss me and I wouldn't have let him because how many times can you break your own heart and get clean of it in the morning?

When I woke up in the morning I was alone like always, and the space in my heart for Jasper got bigger. Edward would always be there, all quiet secrets in the dark, but Jasper was the light and when I crawled into his bed I woke up with him in the morning. Honey kisses from a honeyed man and it was always warm and safe with him instead of cold and hard with Edward.

For now, that was enough.

_**# # #**_

_**Jasper**_

I was holding my little Bella-trix in my arms and it was another Sunday morning and we had no place to be. I might be Alice's moon, but shoot, I could be this little girl's sun and she could be mine, both of us getting ourselves into the light. And she fits me, you know? Tucked into the corner of my arm she fits against me all sweet and smelling like strawberry shampoo and flowers on her skin and even when she uses my shower she still smells like flowers to me.

I like her using my shower too. I like the way she fits against me. I like the way she can move from tongues to T.S.O.L. to Thoreau to tickles. I like the little surprised sounds she makes when she comes, like she's shocked by it, every time.

That day in her bedroom, she's holding on to me, all deep sobs and fisted hands and I think I hated him a little bit then. At least Alice isn't pretending that she maybe loves me and maybe doesn't. So I just held her tight, my little Trix, and she cried it out and that was a long cry coming and then I played her the sweetest song I know and whispered things that would make her smile and it worked. I was holding on to her and thinking how this was good and this was soft and this was right. When she leaned up to kiss my cheek – that girl was always throwing kisses around, like they weren't worth anything, you know? – I caught her mouth with mine because she needed to see that some kisses shouldn't be given away. I didn't know if she'd take my kiss, but she did, all wide-eyed and confused and then she felt it and relaxed into it and brought her hand to my face and then I let go and just was. With her.

It took us three weeks of kisses and touches and various and sundry sighs before we could get any more along. We danced around it that first week and then she had her period the week after that and I'll tell you straight I was nervous. I didn't think she was a virgin, and I don't know if Cullen was the one who changed that, but I did know that I didn't want that little girl crying while I still had my dick inside her and I didn't want her fisting her hands around someone else's shirt, tucking in to someone else's side, because I was the one who disappointed her.

So that third week I waited. I teased her slow. I blew hot breath against the back of her neck at her locker. I kissed her long and slow and deep until she was pushing herself against me ten ways from Sunday and then I eased back because if she was going to come to me she had to be coming to _me._ I looked into her eyes and kissed the inside of her wrist. I held her tight all night long, never taking my arms away from her waist and when she tossed and turned I said shush now and she did and settled back into my arms. I picked flowers for her hair and I left notes in her locker and I sent her to gym with a playlist on my iPod and come Saturday night when everyone else was drunk and fucking she tugged the hem of my shirt and I brought her home to my bed and I laid her down.

We kissed and that kiss that started out soft and smooth became harder with teeth and panting and her hot breath and soft moans in my mouth. She's saying I want you, I want to and oh, little girl, I want to too. But I have to ask, I have to know. You have to know this sort of thing before you get in there and so I say to her are you and she looks up at me confused and her tongue is almost still and she says don't you have a condom and I smile because cher, that is not what I was asking about. I have my hand on the bare skin of her waist and I want to slide it down to her ass because she's grinding against my knee and I want to help her get to where she's going but there's a better way to do that so I ask again. Bella, Trix, I say. Have you? Before? And her face flushes and she looks away from my face and then I understood the tears that started this whole thing and I hated him a little more. But then I didn't because if Cullen wasn't such a fuck up I would not be here now. With her.

I kissed her again and she forgot to be embarrassed. I pulled her in tight to me, pulled off her jeans and her panties, pulled off her t-shirt and her white cotton bra and pushed her back onto the bed and pushed myself inside of her. And That. Fit. Too. I didn't think it could be so sweet, so good, but I should have known because it was wrapped up in love and how I got so lucky I do not know.

Shit, my cock gets hard just thinking about getting that girl off, all candymouth and perfect tits and how she looks all flushed when she's fucking my hand or my mouth or my dick. It doesn't matter, she gets off and that shit is so sexy that I get off just watching her go. But then sometimes she does this thing where she sinks to her knees and that little candymouth wraps around my cock and she's got her big brown eyes on mine and her mouth on me and she's making these little noises in the back of her throat and it vibrates down my cock and she's scraping her nails against my balls and that vibrates up my cock and it took her a day to learn what sends me over the edge and sometimes she gives it to me but sometimes she teases it out and fuck if that shit isn't sexy too.

I leaned over and tickled her stomach with my hair before I slipped my tongue under the band of her little white cotton boy shorts. I clicked the remote and filled the room with Ella which was classic and cliché all at the same time and that was okay because Sunday mornings were _languid, _like it was 90 degrees with a cool breeze and the ocean beating time outside our door. It was time for cliché.

Sunday mornings with my little Bella-trix. Both of us sleeping late, hiding from daylight, hiding from our friends because while the rest of them might get fucked up and fuck, this was more than that and I don't mind saying that I need this time with this girl to set me straight and get me through the week. Sunday mornings were for playing music and making love, slow and sweet until she flushed and made that little sound of surprise. Until she opened her eyes and smiled at me, that candymouth smile that a lesser man would try to own but that I was happy just to hide in. Sunday mornings buried deep inside of her, completely surrounded by the brown tangle of hair and the big brown eyes and the little pink mouth and pink nipples and the dark pink sweet wet oh fuck yes and coming with a shudder and her name on my tongue. On Sunday mornings we could wash away the bourbon and mint and the shit of another week surrounded by people too wrapped up in their own pain to notice anyone else's in a cool shower that starts with shampoo and ends with surprised little 'oh''s spilling out of that girl's mouth.

And yeah, she is in love with my best friend and he is in love with her and that makes me a prick. But he ain't smart enough to know that he loves her yet, and even when he figures it out he's gonna fuck it up because he's Edward Cullen and he doesn't know what a heart is for. But still, when he figures it out and he comes for her she'll go and that'll be okay. Because even if he doesn't fuck it all up and he gets the rest of his life with her, well, I got Sunday mornings first. I got Sunday mornings with Ella and Etta and strawberry Pop Tarts and crumbs in the bed and white cotton panties that give under my tongue, that trap my fingers right inside of her where I am the musician and she is the instrument. Sunday mornings watching Bullitt or Bond or reading Dick or Faulkner. She likes it when I read her Faulkner. She likes my drawl and I like her smile so we both win with that one.

Sunday mornings, when I don't have to think about where Alice is or who or what she's doing because someone else is always tending to sweet Alice on Sunday mornings. And with another girl, I would feel bad, but this is us, this is me and my Bella-trix and I don't have to feel bad because she knows how my world turns. Because she is better than probably any one of us, more pure and more kind and if I can help keep them from eating her alive, then maybe I'm not such a prick after all. Because when sweet Alice comes for me, my little Bella-trix will open up her arms and let me go, and she will do it with a smile because she is good and pure and kind and the rest of us are shit and until she realizes that, I have Sunday mornings.

I have the rest of the week, too. I have any night I want. I whisper and she comes and once or twice she's said no and I know it's because he wants her time and yeah, I'm jealous those nights but I know that she won't even open her mouth to him. Her heart, but not her mouth. It's a tricky boundary we've set. Sacred bodies, open hearts. And mostly when we make love, it's sweet and good and it feels right, the way I fit into her and she twists into me.

But sometimes we fuck and it's hard and fast and we both know that we're not thinking of each other, that we're using each other to rub out the others and when she comes she's not surprised, she's screaming it out.

At school she slides up to me all open arms and candymouth smiles and big brown eyes and sometimes I swear I think they all must be blind because this girl is amazing and beautiful. This girl is love, walking and talking. This girl is mine and I am not hiding that shit. I'm not advertising either because I know that there will be some shit when Edward figures it out but he's so wrapped up in himself and his head games that he can't even imagine that she's not pining for him. He thinks because she's on Emmett's lap that she's safe and waiting because we all know that if Emmett gets with her that Rosalie will cut him off and he's so sprung on that girl that he wouldn't dream of risking it.

And when Emmett asked about us? Like he was asking what it's like to be inside of Fort Knox. And I wouldn't even answer and that told him what he needed to know. Not just a lay, Emmett. Shut the fuck up. That's my girl you're talking about. Because Cullen may have his head up his ass but the rest of us can see her shining like she do. And that shit is mine. Mine on Friday night when she's shaking her ass on the dance floor, taunting some junior who thinks he's gonna work up his nerve and take a shot. Mine on Wednesday night when I pick her up and carry her to my bed and there's laughter and smiles and groans and shudders. Mine with the big brown eyes and sweet skin at the crook of her neck that says bite me and I'll make that noise that you like. Mine to wrap in old t-shirts because I want everyone to know the next day at school that yeah, she is mine. Mine on Sunday mornings and close the windows to the world and turn off the phone and sleep off the booze and smoke a cigarette so she can like the way it tastes on my tongue. Mine.

So I take her kisses in the hallway and when she gets that look like she's the deer and they're the Hummer I take her hand and I pull her out of it because that's what you do when you love somebody. And I love that girl. Be clear on that. It might not be the crushing, killing love that I have for Alice, but it's love and it's real and if Cullen comes calling I might just have to fight him. For Sunday mornings. Candymouth. Etta and Ella and cotton panties.

_**# # #**_

_**Edward**_

The fuck of it was that I didn't know how long it'd been going on for. I mean, fuck. How long have they been fucking? Nothing changed, you know? She still flirted shamelessly. He still let any stupid bitch sit on his lap, so unless you were paying attention, how fuck could you tell there was something happening?

She still let me come to her window. She still let me sleep in her fucking bed some nights. She still talked to me, quiet, in the dark when it was just us and I could be my best self for her because nobody was looking so no one could see who I really am. It was only for her.

And the nights when she wasn't there, she'd just say sleepover and I figured Alice and that was that and good and fine except that one night I really needed to talk to her. So I went to Alice's house and she wasn't there, and I called Jasper and he didn't answer his phone and when I called Emmett and found him dick deep in Rosalie, I knew there was a motherfucking problem. Who the fuck was she sleeping over with?

The next day I got to school early. She'd show up in her wreck of truck, or she'd show up with whoever she slept over with. I pulled into my spot then moved to the back of the car, leaning against it. After a few minutes I parked my ass on the trunk. She would show up.

And then she did. In her wreck of a truck. Which meant she went home at some point, because that fuckheap was parked in her driveway last night. And she parked and slipped out of the cab wearing fucking cut off shorts and an old fucking Sublime t-shirt and that's when I fucking knew it. Because, that shirt used to be mine. And Jasper borrowed it in 10th grade and never gave it back. So what the fuck was Bella doing with it? Besides bouncing her tits in it?

Motherfuck.

I didn't wait to say shit, to either of them. I walked into the school but then I thought, fuck. Two classes with him and one with her and one with the both of them? Plus fucking lunch? Fuck that shit. I turned around and I was gone.

Spent two days driving and pretending my phone was broken and then it was Friday night and the Hales were in Tahiti and Rosalie was having people over, which meant 48 hours of 100 people drunk and stoned and sex and wet and hot and soft and I had to be there. I had to see them. I mean, it didn't have to be true, did it? They were tight, we all knew it. Maybe it was a sleep over like our sleep overs. All quiet talking in the dark until someone fell asleep. It could be like that, right?

She walked in first, wearing fucking nothing, as usual. Tiny fucking skirt with Chucks and stripey socks coming halfway up her calves. Another old concert tee but this wasn't one of mine so I didn't have to fight the urge to tear it off her, growling that it's mine. She made a spot on Emmett's lap, and he put an arm around her, his hand on her bare fucking thigh and she let him draw circles there while she sipped who knows what out of a red plastic cup, her mouth curving around it.

An hour later it was a bottle of beer, slushy like she liked it because I'm the fucktard who put it in the freezer for her, then fetched it out to her like a fucking freshman lap dog. Emmett just gave me the what the fuck eyebrows and Bella took it without hardly seeing my face, which made me give her the what the fuck eyebrows but then Jasper walked in the fucking door with an arm over Alice, his fingertips dangling over the top of her tits and yeah, he was still sprung for her, so this could be okay.

And I could forgive Bella, you know? I mean, fuck. She was just some girl. But Jasper? He was my fucking blood man. From the seventh grade when Newton called him a fag and I had to corral Emmett to kick Newton's ass while Jasper just stood there and took it all in. That boy was my fucking blood. And he knew. He knew that I wanted her. He knew that morning when he came to pick her up and got there too soon, and I was climbing down the fucking tree, trying to avoid the Chief.

He just fucking looked at me. And I couldn't fucking hide it – the high coming off of a night with Bella. The way just waking up to see her face in the morning, no defenses, soft and sleepy, left me feeling better than the best fucking bud from Mendo. Just…smooth. Mellow.

And he just looked at me, and he fucking knew. He gave me that grin, that fucking, I'm Jasper Whitlock and I know everything which is why I am so above it all, which is why I don't _wallow_ grin.

And now he's sharing my old shirts with Bella.

"Trix," Jasper called out and she gave a little squeal as she popped off of Emmett's lap and Emmett gave her ass a squeeze. She bounded over to Jasper and gave him a hug and handed over her plastic cup of whatever. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Then Bella pulled Alice aside and the two of them ran off somewhere to talk about lip gloss or whatever the fuck it is girls go away to talk about. Didn't matter. I pulled another beer out of the fridge and sat back on a barstool to watch. If Bella was fucking Whitlock I was going to find out tonight.

Two hours later found Alice on Emmett's lap and Rosalie tormenting some underclassman by crossing and uncrossing her legs. How fucking Basic Instinct. I don't even know why she goes in for that shit. She knows Emmett's going to be banging the fuck out her later anyway. Bella was dancing and that shit was fucking obscene, and Jasper was in the corner dealing cards and holding court and taking cash off all the kiddies.

And then it happened. She stilled her hips and looked over at him and he looked up at her and she tongued the opening of her bottle of beer, and there was no fucking doubt in my mind that she was fucking him. Fuck, she wasn't even hiding it, not really. Anyone could have looked over, anyone could have seen that shit. That sexy lover shit that she was putting out for him. I looked over at him and he was just fucking grinning and a minute later he was heading up the stairs and thirty seconds later she went after and five minutes and three shots later, like the fucking sucker I am, I went too.

He wouldn't take her to a bedroom, I knew. Not his Trix. He wouldn't want to be interrupted by fucking Mike Newton trying to tap Stanley's ass again, or some other loser duo trying to make it in the Hale house. At least I knew that if he was fucking her he wasn't treating her like some fucking pimped out piece of freshman ass. If he was fucking her was treating her like.

Aw, motherfuck. He's treating her like a friend, like he actually cares about her or some shit.

Fuck.

I tracked them down on the roof, exactly where I knew they would be, exactly where he would only take someone he fucking cared about. I heard her little high pitched, breathy gasp and I knew what that was about because I heard that shit every night in my dreams and every morning when I was jacking off in the shower and then I saw them. She was up on her tip toes in her Chucks and he had his hand at the small of her back, and she was leaning up, whispering in his ear and he chuckled and then drew away and looked at her and fuckitall.

Jasper Whitlock loved her.

And she loved him too. She was looking in his eyes and giving him that secret Bella smile that she'd given me, that I'd been fucking panting for ever since I blew it. So what the fuck was I supposed to do now? Go interrupt this fucking lover's tryst that they've got going on? Watch him snake one hand up her skirt and see her throw back her head as he puts his mouth on her neck and she wraps one leg and both arms around him?

Fuck that shit. I got the fuck out of there.

_**# # #**_

_**Alice**_

You know, I don't know why Edward's so busted up over this. I mean, yeah, he's in love with her and well, duh, that's been since day one it seems. But he's acting like this is the end of the world and you know it just isn't. You know that this is the intermezzo; that eventually Jasper is going to just move on because really, what's he getting out of this anyway? He could do so much better.

Not that Bella's not great, don't get me wrong. Bella's my friend and I like her and all, but her and Jasper? Not a good fit. In fact, I can't think of one single girl that I've ever met who might be good enough for him.

Him with the slow drawl and blonde hair and eyes that are brown and gold and amber. Him playing fucking Sweet Home Alabama on his stereo as he pulls onto campus. Lynyrd fucking Skynyrd. Like he's gotta remind us all that he's from the south. And that hippy hair. Which is actually pretty adorable on him, you know. And at least it's always clean. Soft and shiny.

So when Edward came charging down that staircase like someone shot his puppy and he saw me and grabbed my wrist well I just went with it. I mean, who ever sees Edward Cullen looking like anything other than cool? And we get into his car and he starts driving and away we go and we're halfway to Seattle before he finally pulls over and turns off the stereo which is good because that stuff was just making my head ache and he looks over at me and says did you know?

Did I know what I ask and that's when he tells me, but he says it like I've got some kind of vested interest in this. Like it's supposed to matter to me like it does to him, but I go along and I listen to him and I realize that this boy still doesn't know he's in love with Bella. Can you imagine being so un-self-aware? So I tell him that it's okay and that everything will be okay and he doesn't believe me, I can see it, but he turns the car around anyway and then you know what? He moped for a solid week. I mean, ditched school left and right, didn't attend a single party and when Lauren all out offered to blow him he didn't take her up on it. Now that is not the Edward that I know and love.

And I don't know what he said to Jasper, if he ever did. It was weird between them for a while but then it wasn't anymore and now Bella mostly sits on Jasper's lap and she's wearing his clothes all over the place and he's letting her. He's letting her wear his favorites and the fragile ones and she tilts her head up at him and he brushes her face with his smile and it's harder to look at than I thought it would be.

So when Edward came to me last night and says "we have to talk," well I'm all ears because this whole thing has gone on too long, you know? If we don't interrupt this intermezzo, it's going to become the whole damned show. And while I might not be ready for it all yet, the least I can do is help Edward get there. Because that boy is a mess. But at least he sees it now. At least he realizes that he loves her. He's still going to try like hell to fuck it all up, because he's Edward and god forbid he should be less that shallow and brooding when anyone can see it, but at least he wants to try. So I've got to help him and I will.

I hope that Jasper and Bella are ready. Because ready or not, here we come.


	2. Winter

**Get Me To You**

**Winter Formal  
**

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_**Emmett**_

So someone finally tapped Bella. I got to say, it is about damn time. Because that girl has been flaunting that shit since she got here. She's been sitting on laps and kissing cheeks and necks and hands and I sure as fuck was certain that it was all for Eddie. But damn, when I saw the way Jasper's hand curved around her ass, just for a second there, I knew that my boy had tapped that shit, and it was still going strong.

I had to ask him about it, you know. It's not like Rose is going to let me get within an inch of that shit, no matter how cool she is with my flirting and the things I sometimes do with my fingers. She made it crystal fucking clear the first time she saw Bella on my lap that with that girl? There was no fun allowed. Weva. I don't understand her, I don't even try.

But Jasper. Day-um. Of course I have to know more, so I get him one day before school and we're hanging in the parking lot and here comes Eddie and Miss Thang comes stepping out of the passenger seat and I look at him and I had to say you and Swan and he looks at me all cool. And I say well, c'mon man, you know I gotta know about that shit and motherbitch if he didn't look at me like he was going to fucking tear out my throat for talking about her like a lay.

Oh.

Yeah, then I got it. He wasn't hittin' that shit hard, he was hittin' that shit _soft._ Soft like _sweet._ Then I saw the way she looked up at Jasper, coming out of Cullen's car and a flash of guilt across her face. She ran her finger up his arm as she passed him and for one second he looked like he was going to be sick in her wake. Then he was back to being Jasper, cool and mellow as fuck but I saw that one second and you know what? Things are officially fucked the shit up.

Because you add that one second with the fact that Bella's popping out of Edward's car two or three times a week and that guilty look because shit, we all know she's in love with Cullen and the fact that Cullen can't fucking stay away from the girl and he can't keep his dick out of every other piece that looks good to him and then multiply that with the fact that Whitlock's been in love with Alice since the second he laid eyes on her in the seventh grade and shit. Rose may be a fucking ice queen and an uptight controlling bitch who lets underclassmen feel her up because daddy doesn't love her enough but you know, I know exactly where I stand with that girl. I know that we'll get the fuck out of Forks and fuck who knows how many random people in college but at the end of it she's going to wear my ring on her finger and she's going to have my fucking kids because we both just know that's how it's going to be.

Yeah, I might have my shit wired but those four? Fucked. Up.

_**# # #**_

_**Rosalie**_

So sweet little Isabella is fucking our Jasper, hmm? This ought to be interesting.

_**# # #**_

_**Jasper**_

You ever been to the Grand Canyon? You get out of your car and you walk over near the edge and you've got all the space in the world, you know? Like you couldn't possibly fall off because there's just so much space. It's so beautiful and you're laughing with your friends and you're talking and you're having a good time and the next thing you know you're right on the fucking edge, about to fall off into that huge fucking hole in the ground. And it's so goddamned deep that you know that if you fall, you'll never stop falling. And you've got to decide. Are you coming in from the edge? Or are you gonna tip over and fall? And it's hard, you know? When you've got that little candymouth waiting for you at the bottom. And you know if you fall it'll be like flying. But it's scary, and so you waver. And try not to think of candymouth ,and doe eyes. Try not to want, for just one time, her screaming it out for you.

Fucking hell, man.

_**# # #**_

_**(Isa)Bella(Trix)**_

It finally got to the point where I had to say no. I had to tell him he couldn't come over anymore. He can't come to my window two or three nights a week, or even one or two nights a month. He can't come and whisper to me and let me smell him when he pulls me in to his chest and puts his hand over my head and twists his fingers into my hair. He can't come and give me parts and not all because I can't take just parts anymore. Not when Japser can't look me in the eye the morning after and yeah, he gets straight by lunch but I can't take him dodging me one more morning. I can't take him calling me Bella like that's my name and it is my name but it's not _his_ name for _me, _and that's what I've got to have. Even if I'm awful, even if I'm the worst person in the world for what I want, I know that Jasper deserves better and I'm going to try to give it to him. I'm going to try to deserve every sweet thing about that man because he deserves so much better than me.

Edward finally figured it out though. Because nothing changed between us for a long time. After…after that one day and one night, he acted like nothing happened. He didn't even ask where I was the day before, when I stayed home and Jasper…stayed with me. But it was right after Rosalie's last big party when he came to my window and he was drunk. So drunk. He was slurring and I don't even know how he managed to get up the tree because he stumbled over the window frame and fell and hit his head against my desk and I had to yell to Charlie that I was fine, fine, fine.

I wasn't though. Because he comes in all drunk and slurry and reeking and he tries to kiss me but I couldn't. I can't. And then he just…dissolved. Him on his knees and his arms around my waist and he's fucking crying and saying Isabella, Isabella, like fucking Cibola again. And shit, I don't want him crying. It was so fucking wrong. He is Edward fucking Cullen. There should not be tears. Not ever.

I pulled him up into the bed and I pulled off his shoes and I tried to – god, I am the worst person I know – I tried to make those same sounds that Jasper makes that calm me down and it worked because he stopped and then he put his hand on my tit and I had to pull away again and he gave me this look. This broken look and he didn't say a word he just looked. So I said, why are you here, Edward? And he says something about friends and I said I can't be that kind of friend for you. I can't give you everything and only get pieces back. And he says pieces are all he has to give and I said that's bullshit, Edward, because I know there's more, I've seen it and you're just a chickenshit and he says yeah, he knows but it's the best he can do and I – I don't even know where it came from, I think it came from that space that I made for Jasper – but I said well that's not good enough.

He slept it off and I sat in the rocking chair all night long shaking and when I got out of the shower in the morning he was gone and when he asked to come over again the next night I told him no. He must have come anyway because the next day when I got out of Jasper's car and we started walking in I say hi to Edward and he high-fives Jasper a hello but he just looks at me like I've betrayed him. Jasper pretended not to notice that, or the shadows like bruises under my eyes the day before, but I know he did because after school he brought me back to his room and we curled on the bed and combed my hair with his fingers until I fell asleep. And when I woke up the next morning I laced my fingers into his because we were in sanctuary. Because all he knew how to do was give and I was sucking him dry, but I didn't want to. I was trying not to.

I had it easy, too. Alice didn't bruise him with purpose. She didn't say come close, oh no, that's too far. He was easy to put back together when she tore him apart because it was accidental. But Edward, god, he came after me with knives drawn every time and he knew that he tore at me and he just kept letting Jasper put me back together but that day it changed. Because if Edward was tearing me, well wasn't I letting him? So I closed the window and I told him no because even if I'm the worst person I know, at the very least, I can afford to be kind to Jasper. And can't that kindness be enough?

_**# # #**_

_**Emmett**_

The night of Winter Formal and we're all going together in Rosalie's mom's Escalade. Oh no, that's not too awkward. Not with Edward looking at Bella like she's something to eat, and Jasper looking at Alice like he's gonna come out of his pants if he doesn't get to touch her. And I admit it, our ladies looked hot. Bella in pink, Alice in white and my girl Rose in black velvet. Mm mm mm I can't wait to slide that zipper down later.

For a bunch of people going to a party, nobody seems very happy, Rose is pissed that we didn't get a limo. Jasper's pissed at the way Edward's looking at Bella and Bella seems like she's about to be sick and who could blame her the way her head keeps spinning between Whitlock and Cullen. Little Alice is just staring out the window. Fuck, she has nice legs. Then I decide that it's officially time to chill this shit down, so I pull out a flask and take a sip and pass it around. And yeah, mistake.

Because Bella takes a sip and then Cullen grabs it from her as she's passing it to Jasper and then he passes it to Jasper and Jasper's not drinking after Cullen so he hands it to Alice who sips and hands it back to him and then Bella tries not to show that she caught that shit and I'm glad that I have a lot more booze because it's gonna take more than a sip to mellow this shit out. If Jasper has a joint he should be passing that baby out right now but I'ma guess he doesn't cuz he ain't passing shit.

This is gonna be one long, fucked up night.

_**# # #**_

**_Edward_**

Fuck. Me.

Oh sweet Jesus, Bella, please fuck me. She came walking out of Alice's house in that fucking dress and I swear to Christ I haven't been this hard in. Fuck, I have never been this hard. I don't know what the fuck happened, because Alice told me she got Bella this green dress. Emerald green and it was perfect she said, but then Bella comes walking out in this pale pink thing, all gauzy and soft against her skin and her lips are pinker and her eyes are fucking huge and her arms are bare and her hair is long and wavy and pulled back on one side and just want to grab a handful of it and smell it because that's the scent that brings it all back - that one perfect day with her when I was my best self for her and I gave her every part of me and I gave her all of my heart and she was perfect and soft and fragile and my heart was so fucking big inside my chest just touching her skin. But because I am Edward Cullen I fucked it all up.

And every night that I would work up the nerve to come to her window I'd tell myself that I would tell her, that I love her, that I need her that I can be what she needs me to be, what she wants and instead I just talked and talked and talked and told her everything except that one thing she needed to hear from me and I just don't know how to give her that.

And then that fucking bitch kicked me out. No more window, no more bed, no more Bella and fuck me. No more Bella because she's with Jasper and I didn't see it before I sure as fuck see that shit now, the way she touches him all the fucking time. How he keeps looking at her and they're talking in their heads to each other, you can see that shit and, oh, fuck, the way she just tugs on his collar and he gets up and follows and when they come back she's flushed and fucking exquisite and he does that to her and I fucking hate him. Like that shit tonight when Bella got in the back and Jasper looks up and kisses the inside of her wrist and then he puts a fucking flower in her hair. A fucking orchid. It's pink and matches her dress perfectly and now she's just pinks and browns and all that creamy skin and when he's done with that flower he fucking lifts a lock of her hair and he smells it and she turns to him and smiles that secret Bella smile and I am so mother fucked.

It's all a big fucking game of pretend anyway, because you can see it on his face tonight, how much he wants Alice and I wish to fuck I could make her want him and I don't care if it fucking breaks Bella's heart because I need her to open her window back up and if Jasper isn't holding on to her then she will. I know she will. I just have to get back inside.

_**# # #  
**_

_**Alice**_

I don't know what her fucking problem is, I mean really. First I pick out the most perfect dress in the world for her, oceans of emerald green satin and she would have looked perfect in it, but nooo, little miss rebel's gotta go pick out her own damn dress and yeah, it looks great, okay, better than great but that's not the point. The point is that she was supposed to be wearing green because it was the exact shade of Edward's eyes and if Jasper thought she picked that out herself then he would see that she still wants Edward and in the photos everyone would notice that Bella's dressed matched Edward's eyes and then Jasper could dump her and Edward could get her and that would be that.

Anyway, at least Emmett brought vodka.

And how come Stephan didn't ask me to the dance? God, I bet he looks so good tonight. I bet he wears Armani. And who did he end up taking anyway? Whatever, I know he's going to want to dance with me tonight. I look incredible, if I do say so myself. And Jasper looks good tonight. I mean, wow, in a tux and he's clean shaven and not wearing a t-shirt for a change and Jasper in a tux. Huh.

I hate these things though. They're always tacky with crepe paper decorations and everyone leaves by nine anyway. They only stay long enough to take pictures and half the people rent limos for the night and how trite is that? I'm just glad that Emmett's parents are out of town because the party at his house is going to be the best one yet. I wonder if I can get Stephan to come? He might have fun, even if it is a bunch of high school kids. What he's even doing in high school is beyond me, I mean, geez. The rest of these people belong here but once you reach a certain level of chic, you should be exempt from the banality of high school.

Oh. Right. Slow song. Gotta go dance with Jasper. Why Edward didn't pick Rosalie for this game is beyond me, but he made me promise – every slow song I would try to dance with Jasper. I think it's dumb, I mean, how much better to piss him off if Bella's dancing with Edward all night while Jasper just sits there, but, I told him we would use his plan if that's what he wants. He's just so hell bent and pacing and you know, I bet if he'd just sleep with her he'd be over it. She's not that pretty.

_**# # #  
**_

_**(Isa)Bella(Trix)**_

I don't know why I said yes. Probably because Jasper was dancing with Alice and god she looked amazing tonight. Tiny little white slip dress with black beaded dangly things and her spiky hair finally all grown out in to the prettiest black bob. How could Jasper resist? And every chance she gets she's taking him by the hand and pulling him out to dance with her and he's so tall and she's so small and I'm like a fucking mutant next to her.

So when Edward asks me to dance and the blood in my veins is feeling spikey from the vodka I say yes and try not to look at him with her and fuck, why do I feel like crying? When Edward's pulling me right up close to him, his hand at the small of my back and yeah, he's dazzling me with that look, those green, green eyes and I know that I could just melt into him tonight. I should tell Jasper to stay with Alice and I could just melt into Edward and I could just give. Give in give out give up just give.

Give him everything that he wants from me, and know it's just tonight, and know that tomorrow it'll be done. Know that tomorrow there will be no more Jas but if that means that I never hurt him again, then that would be a good thing, the right thing. I could just open the window again and cut myself to shreds again for Edward, for him, always for him. I'm tired of looking at Jasper with Alice and I'm tired of the way that Edward's pulling me in and I'm god damned tired of like the worst fucking person ever and I just want it done and over already.

Make a choice, Alice, I want to say and then she's walking into the bathroom and I'm following her because, fuck, I'm so ready to just give.

She's standing at the mirror and, I'm not fucking kidding you, she's powdering her chest. Straight out of fucking 1928 this girl. She's touching up her lipstick and her mouth is a big round red O and I want to fucking slap it.

So I say it's time to make a choice, Alice. She looks at me like what the fuck and I say it again and she says about what and I say Jasper because you can't just keep him dangling like this and you can't come in here all beautiful and shiny and dance so close to him and not take him home tonight and if you do that then you better for fuck's sake mean it because if you don't I will cut your fucking heart out bitch. She's still staring at me with the big red O and I say it again. You take him home tonight and you mean it.

And that's what I can give to Jasper. I can give him her love. I can push her his way and I can let him have his heart unbroken with her. Because I know that she'll be kind to him, not razor blades like Edward. Do it, I say and when I walk away she's still standing there, staring, and I walk right into Edward and he scoops me up and starts dancing with me again and motherfuck don't they play anything with a pulse? One more slow song and I will not be able to keep my shit together anymore.

Then like magic, like fucking Hollywood movie magic, Jasper is there and he's got his hand out for me and Edward is looking like he wants to kill him and says she's busy and Jasper says she's my date and I'm here to dance with her and Edward says you should have gotten there earlier and god he's such a prick because we all know what he's saying there and I hate him for being so mean. Jasper tells him to cut it out and knock it off and then he says how many more times are you going to break her before you quit? I just turn and walk away because I don't want Jasper to see me cry and someone follows me to the parking lot and if it's Jasper then that's just wrong because he should be in there, with Alice, who will be kind. And if it's Edward well then I guess that's right because even though I want him he's a punishment and I deserve it.

From behind the steps are coming faster and I start to run and he says Trix and I am so fucking grateful that my knees give out and a second later I'm on the fucking ground in my perfect dress that Jasper gave me, tied up with a bow in a big white box, and I've ruined it just like I'll ruin him. Then he's wrapped around me and picking me up and he says oh, little Bellatrix and then he's carrying me somewhere and I think I should be crying harder but how hard can I cry when I'm wrapped up in Jas? Perfect Jas.

He sits us down on a bench and I say I'm so sorry for ruining the dress and he says cher, nothing's ruined and he shows me the dress and it's still perfect and he dusts off my knees and then he gets onto his knees and he blows on them and they feel better. He looks into my eyes and I'm really good at breaking my own heart. Who needs Edward Cullen?

Go back in, I say. Alice is waiting for you.

He looks at me and he looks back and then he looks at me. She is, I say again. Alice is waiting for you. Go get her, Jasper. You love her, you love her so much. Go. And he stands up and he stands still, just quiet for a minute. He stares at me and finally says you gotta dance with the girl who brung you, cher.

He takes my hand in his and fuck, I am such a fucking mess and he walks me to his house, which isn't far away. And I say, it's okay, Jasper, you can take me home. I slip off my shoes and I walk to his truck which is really a beast with a motor, some old Suburban or Bronco or something monstrous. He's giving me this funny look, like I'm not very smart and that's not a very Jasper look and it's definitely not a Jas look so I say what and he opens the car door for me and I'm glad that he's going to take me home. I'm glad because if I don't get there soon I'm going to break open and if he sees me crying I will never be able to face him again.

We get to my street and he pulls over to the side but not yet up to my house and he pushes the seat back and says we should talk, you think, and I say don't need to talk so much, Jasper. Just let me go and then you go back to the gym or over to Emmett's and find her and he's quiet and thinking and he says that's what you want and I say yeah, but will you please promise to still be my friend? And we both know that this is a bullshit promise because you can't be with someone like that and still be friends. You can't spend two days tangled up in someone's _smell_ and then be friends. But I need the promise, the lie, to let him go.

Give us a kiss, then, cher he says and I slide over on the seat and it starts out soft but then I'm fucking so pissed off because I don't want him to go back there and I don't want him to let me go and fuck Alice for being so sweet and fuck Edward Cullen and fuck the open windows too because if I'd never wanted him so much I could have had this instead. I start kissing harder and he is too and then I'm pulling his hair and his fingers are pinching my nipple through my dress and it's hard and it hurts and that's good because it should hurt and I say yes and harder and more and he does it. He hurts me and I'm hurting him back, all fingernails and teeth and pinching grinding groaning and three minutes later he's inside of me and there's no condom and it fucking hurts the way he slams into me but that's good too and underneath that pain there's something else and then I forget that I want it to hurt I just want more and I open my eyes and he's looking at me with the same surprise and we're just going and going and then I'm coming and it's so fucking hard and fast and hard and good, god so, so good and before I can even breathe he's coming too and we've never done it without a condom even though I'm on the pill and it's so good, so much better, so much more to feel him still hard inside of me and all that wet and fuck, I love him.

For the second time tonight I am surprised.

I can't ask him to stay which is the only thing I want to say as we lay there, panting. I can't ask him not to go back there now that I've told him he has to and so I start to ease myself off of him and he just sort of clutches at me so I settle back down and then he reaches between us and zips his pants.

He says cher, we've made a mess and then he pulls up his hand from between us and it's wet and sticky and so are his pants and you know what, I don't give a fuck about Alice and her sweet, so I look into his eyes and I lick his fingers clean and he shivers and he says Bellatrix? You want to go for a ride, get out of this place? I say yes and four hours later we're in Portland and checking into some brownstone hotel. I call Charlie and say friends for the weekend and he says okay because he doesn't ask too many questions and I don't get into trouble and then I turn off my phone and Jasper turns off his and we shove them in a drawer and now I guess we'll find some things out.

_**# # #**_

_**Jasper**_

Trix, I say. Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? She looks up at me, big doe eyes and candy mouth and I try hard not to think about her licking my fingers but god damn that was sexy and so very Trix. She shakes her head and the elevator door opens.

We walk into the room and she slips off my tux jacket and I'm glad my shirt was long enough to cover the cum all over my pants. She unbuttons the shirt, not meeting my eyes. She slips it off of me and leads me to the bathroom and runs the shower. I'm glad because there's dried cum all over my dick and it's starting to get itchy but I don't think this is about that.

She turns her back to me and I unzip the zipper, my finger tracing the curve of her shoulder and I reach down to kiss. She hasn't said a word since she said yes, and I don't know yet why she's here, but I don't think that I can come back from the edge.

She still has the orchid in her hair. I lean in to smell it and then I pluck it out and set it on the counter. She reaches out and strokes it. I finger the strap of her dress and then it pools at her feet. I found it in the front window of a thrift shop in Port Angeles. I was looking for vinyl and I saw it and it was nothing but her. Pure pink. I bought it and brought it back to her and she took it and twirled, holding it up to herself and why, hello there, Grand Canyon.

I nudge her shoulder and turn her around and that's when I realize that I am not the man I thought I was. Tiny bruises all over her chest and arms. Tiny bruises from my fingers. Tiny bruises from my pain.

I close my eyes and slump back against the wall. I hurt you, I say, shaking my head. No, she says. I wanted it. I wanted you to hurt me. I can't even ask her why. I know this is not her flavor of kink. She turns pink and looks down and I can hardly hear her whisper above the noise of the water. I didn't want you to leave, she says. I have to smile and then I laugh. Trix, cher? Then why did you tell me to go, I ask and she looks up at me a little hopeless and says Alice.

Sweet Alice.

Sweet Alice looking like she just climbed off a movie screen tonight, all white satin and black hair and tiny and beautiful. Sweet Alice taking my hand, over and over, pushing herself up against me, leaning her little head on my chest and swaying her hips to the oh so slow beat of the music. Sweet Alice. It was just like I hoped it would be. Like she opened her eyes one day and saw me standing there. When she walked out of the girls room she came right up to me and she tugged me down to her and said can we get out of here and slipped her tiny hand in mine.

But it didn't fit right. And Sweet Alice smelled all wrong. And if Cullen runs his finger along Bella's bare shoulder one more time I'm going to have to hurt him for touching my girl.

Then I sat back a second and realized some things. That Sweet Alice was asking me home. That Cullen still loved my Bella-trix. That she was my girl, my Bella, my Trix. Mine.

I said excuse me to Alice and went to dance with my girl because I hadn't all night and what the fuck is Cullen playing at, anyway? And he's got his hand at the small of her back like it belongs there, like she belongs there and I've got to say something and we go at it a little and my Bella-trix runs away and Cullen watches but I go after her and she falls down as Trix is wont to do. I pick her up and she's going on and on about go back to Alice, take me home and go back to Alice and is that what she wants?

I realize as we pull on to her street that I don't. Don't want Alice don't want to go back don't want to let go of my little Bella-trix. But if she does, she does. So she says can we be friends and cher, you can't be just friends now and I think that's sadder than her telling me to go to Alice. Telling me to take my happiness. Not knowing that it's her.

Give us a kiss then, I say because if she's kicking me out, it's the least she can do. She leans over and kisses me and it's soft and slow and sweet like always but then she's shaking and it's harder and fuck her if she doesn't want this, if she doesn't want me because I want her, I want to give her every sweet thing and if she doesn't want that then fuck her. I'm so mad at her and I want her to hurt.

I have my hands on her and she has her hands on me and she's pulling my hair and I pinch her nipple hard and she says yes, harder so I do, harder, and I'm grabbing and pinching and her hands are on my zipper and she pulls me out and she's right on top of me and I just grab her hips and pull her hard down on me and it fucking hurt because she wasn't ready and I wanted it to hurt. But then it didn't hurt and I was fucking her hard because I wanted her to see me damn it and she opened her eyes and she did. And then she was screaming and she was screaming it out for me. I knew it then: there was no place left for me but her.

So I say as much. I say cher, you want to take a ride? Get out of this place? And she says yes and now I'm in a hotel bathroom looking at her bruised and smiling. I take off my clothes and I let her lead me into the shower.

There in the water we wash it all away. I let go of Sweet Alice, who doesn't feel or smell right. I kiss the bruises and she washes my hair and then combs through it with her fingers and in her eyes are wide open spaces and no more fences and I can see that she has given him up.

The water is so hot and she's trembling and I say cher? And she clings tight to me and whispers, again so low I almost can't hear, she says please, and she's begging me to love her.

My heart breaks because in the water there's tears. I cup her face up to mine, I catch her doe eyes with mine and I say to her plain, so she doesn't misunderstand I say cher, Trix, don't you know that I love you? I am so in love with you. Then more tears and then I understand them, understand this whole night, finally, because she was walking on that edge too. How did that happen?

And then we are children. We play in the water and we play with the towels and we play on the bed and there is laughter and giggles and tickling and licking and gentle touches and then harder too and candymouth all over me and oh fuck yes. When we're done (but never really done) it's touches again, her lazy fingers on my back drawing wide loops of infinity and I can fall asleep knowing that it's mine, the candymouth, and there is nothing more between us. Not now, not ever.

When I wake up she's curled up in the chair, wearing her dress and my jacket, watching me sleep. I open one eye and she gives me that smile, the slow and sweet one that promises Sunday mornings forevermore.

A knock at the door interrupts her smile and she comes back to me with pancakes and coffee for her and tea for me, a package of white t-shirts and boxer shorts and jeans and flip flops and she says I didn't think you'd want to wear your tux pants again and she's right. I raise my eyebrows and she says concierge and god damn I've got the best fucking girl in the world, you know?

We spend the whole day and night in bed and it's sweet and rough and hard and soft and it's just fucking everything, because I know that if I press here and if I lick there that she will shiver and give it up, and she does, again and again but this time it's better, thicker, more. This time it's love and I just can't explain that shit any better than that.

Late that night she's sad though and I raise my eyebrow because I want to know and she says she never wants to leave. Now this is an easy enough fix so I say Trix, aren't we on winter break? Her face lights up like the fourth of July and yeah. That's my girl. We call our folks and they're okay with our lies. We ignore the missed calls from our friends because what could they say?

We spend the next day in bed again and the next three we spend roaming around the city, pretending to be grown-ups. We buy some clothes and some Christmas gifts and she's throwing money into paper cups everywhere and one time she misses and a dime goes rolling into the street and she says sorry and picks it up out of the gutter and drops it into the cup of a thin man in a green coat. He and I just stare at each other over her head and then she tugs on my sleeve and we're moving again. We play hopscotch in the park and we eat at restaurants every night and I teach her to play poker until she finally wins all of my money which of course she turns around and gives back to me, because Machiavelli or no, she can't go for the kill. We took the MAX to the farmer's market where I bought her as many bunches of flowers as her arms could hold and our room reeked of them until we left.

And she is beautiful, beautiful so beautiful that I ached. I ached to know what thoughts were in her head and if I was holding her hand I ached to kiss her and if I was kissing her I ached to be inside of her and every time I caught her eye I knew that she ached too.

The morning that we were checking out, she looked up at me, all big brown eyes and she says Jas, did you want to go to the Grand Canyon? And I say cher, I think we're already there. And that's how we fell over the edge. And that's how we kept on falling.

.

* * *

**AN: **So, wow. I can't even begin to thank you all for the support. This was just a thing that entered my head and I started writing and here it is. I think there's two more chapters. And, sorry - I honestly don't know how it ends. I can tell you that Alice and Edward are scheming. But that's all I got. And sorry this is so long - I couldn't find a good spot to break it in two. anyway, thank you for reading and thank you for the comments and the alerts and all of it. Thank you.


	3. The Long Spring

**Get Me To You**

**The Long Spring**

.

.

**March**

_**Jasper**_

Sunday morning and I've got my girl tucked into my side. She's breathing even, lost in dreams and Van Morrison is singing low on the radio, telling me all about my girl and her crazy love. Like I don't already know.

Now I may not be sure of many things in my life, but what I know, I know. I know that I smoke too much, drink too much and that neither one has stunted my growth. I know that bourbon and mint were made for each other, and that this simple alchemy is proof of the divine. I know that watching a baseball game in the sunshine on a summer day, with the smell of grass in your nose and the sound of the crack of the bat in your ear is the epitome of what it means to be human. I know that grits are delicious, that fried green tomatoes are overrated and that my Mama makes the best lemon cake that anyone ever met, ever. Hendrix playing Little Wing is perfection in stereo. I know that the idea of finding the love of your life at eighteen is absurd, and I know that I have found mine.

Each day that passes I fall so much more in love with her I can hardly see anything else. She is what I need before I sleep and what I need when I wake up. If there is bad in the world, her sweet smile fixes it. And when she looks up at me, those big doe eyes so filled with love for me? Well you know there ain't nothing in this world that I can't do.

Everything that came before us doesn't matter. There is quiet and calm in her arms, and even when I'm mad at her, I know it doesn't matter because she is the calm and the storm. And we fight. We fight about what music to play and we fight about what to do on a Friday night and we fight because she turns on the stereo while I'm trying to sleep and because I say I'll be there at seven and show up at ten and every reason under the sun. When we're done fighting there are kisses and hushed words of adoration. There are always words of adoration because she is the most adored.

We both know we're fighting because we are so much the same that every small difference is a surprise. We laugh at the same things and we love the same songs and we both think that Coca Cola should be made with real sugar or not at all. So when she tells me that she doesn't like grits well what can I say? I don't believe it. I have to persuade her. And then she digs in, stubborn little girl, and we go round and when it's over her hands are on my skin and my hands are in her hair and that part is sweeter because of the fire.

When the night has gone on and the morning wants to come home, she curls into me and her hands find my bare skin. She slides them over my chest and it's like fire, every time. She works her candymouth up and down my skin and my fingers dig in because up to a certain point, I'm okay. But she gets me past that point and all I can see is that I need her.

Need to feel her soft and hot and wet around me, her mouth, her body, need to be inside. Need to hear her in my ear, saying yes and baby and fuck and oh, oh, oh. Need to taste her, flesh under my mouth, smooth as silk and sweet inside her mouth, sweet inside of her. Need to give her a deep lover's kiss, my fingers working fast inside the hot wet sweet of her, before I give her my mouth, take her into my mouth and feel that tremor just before she comes, saying oh, oh, oh. Need to press against her, push inside of her, slip into that velvet glove that holds me tight, holds me fast, urges me on with the sound of her breath, faster, faster, give me more until it's oh fuck Bella-trix love you love you love you. Need to come down, wrapped up in her arms, feeling her, smelling her all over. Strawberries.

Things have gotten better with everything else too. Since Christmas, since the Grand Canyon, all the other stuff has slipped away. Alice is still lovely but she does not hold the same spark and while I do still wonder what would have been I know that it could never be so sweet as what is. Edward has forgiven either me or himself, or maybe both. There's a peace between us now and our laughter is easier than it has been in a long time. As for the rest of them, what's to notice? We take more than our share of laughter at our expense but that's just about not understanding what they're seeing. Because if she is love, walking and talking, well then so am I because she's giving it to me, wrapping it around me and I am _imbued_.

All those pop songs and fairy tales and happily ever afters? I am here to tell you: they got that shit right. How I got so lucky, I do not know.

**# # #**

**April**

_**(Isa)Bella(Trix)**_

He was just being so weird. Scratch that. He's been so weird. Since before he came back from Boston, he's been weird. Spring break in Boston visiting his grandmother and Rosalie gets to go because it's her grandmother too, and Alice gets to go with Rosalie but I'm not invited. Edward and Emmett calling me out every day, keeping me busy, keeping me occupied until the phone rings and it was Jasper and he's saying I love you, our secret language.

Everything was fine and then…not. He stopped calling me, he didn't return my texts, and when I did get him on the phone he was…he wasn't there. I don't know how else to explain it. I just wanted him home. It was the longest two weeks of my life and I just wanted him home. I wanted him to come home and I wanted to snuggle in to that perfect spot on his body that was made for me and I wanted to smell that amazing cigarettes and clean skin and salty smell that was Jasper. I wanted to listen to music on the stereo on Sunday morning while we scaled the space between lust and love and back again. I wanted my friend back.

But then he came home. And it didn't get better. I kissed him on his front door step and he put his hands on my hips and held me away. He barely looked me in the eye. It was Sunday afternoon and despite his promises of an early return, he got home just hours before we had to be back in school. I didn't understand.

I love you, I said and he said it too, and I couldn't tell what he meant. In the months since Portland, we'd created our own three word language. I love you meant everything. It meant I miss you, I'm sorry, I need you, please, yes, more, no, fuck you, don't stop, what are you talking about? It meant I adore you, I worship you, I need you, stop being an ass. It meant everything we couldn't say out loud. We funneled it into I love you and no matter what we meant by it, we understood. I love you.

So when I said I love you (are you alright?) he said I love you too but the words were so devoid of inflection, emotion, I had no idea what language he was speaking. For the next three days it went on like that and on Wednesday night I cried myself to sleep. Was our love, our friendship, so fragile that it couldn't withstand a measly two week absence? I didn't know.

I went to school the next day with a present and determination. He would take my gift, that I'd spent months amassing. It was meant to be a graduation gift but it felt like we wouldn't make it that far and I needed him to have it. It felt like time was ticking. I didn't know what was coming.

_**# # #**_

_**Jasper**_

How do you break somebody's heart? I mean, how do you consciously do it? How do you say what you have to say, say the truth, and break their heart? If you're a coward, you don't. You just dodge their eyes and mumble and say you're tired and can you maybe get together tomorrow? You go to bed every night and you hope that tomorrow doesn't come because nothing has to be better than doe eyes looking at you with so many questions that you can't answer without breaking her heart.

Waking up in Boston. My mouth feeling like something died in there and the pit of my stomach aching, and I'm so hung over I can feel the blood skipping through my veins. I breathe deep and suddenly the world is right. Strawberries and I pull her closer, and it takes me a minute to notice that her thigh is too small. Her hip doesn't take up enough of my hand. Her breasts don't fit in my fingers and I open my eyes and oh my fucking god it's Alice. Alice with the dark hair and the white skin. Alice with her blue eyes and fuck fuck fuck Alice is naked in my bed.

Last night's thoughts swirl around me and I remember her sitting on my lap, feeding me bourbon and her breath, a whisper in my ear. I remember thinking Trix, Trix, gotta call Trix and then…waking up to strawberries and skin on skin and I'm the stupidest motherfucker who ever lived. Waking up with Alice and all I want to do is cry because waking up with Alice means good-bye. No more Sunday mornings and no more Trix and no more candymouth and no more Grand Canyon. Now it's not a canyon but a pit and there's nothing for me to say. I can't tell her and I can't lie and I can't kiss her mouth without kissing a lie out of it and if I've ever been anything for my little Bella-trix it's honest.

She's standing in front of me, in front of the school and she's demanding now. I love you, she says (what's wrong?) and then again, I love you (please talk to me) and I can't say anything, I feel fucking sick and I've felt sick since I woke up to Alice, soft and white and naked in my bed.

Throwing up doesn't help; I've been sick almost every day, and it doesn't help. I say I love you (I love you) because it's the truth and I say I love you (please don't hate me) because it's all I've got.

She's got a backpack over one shoulder and she's got a box covered in brown paper and she's holding it out to me and I can't take a gift. God, not now, don't give me anything. I don't deserve it. I'm almost there, I'm almost about to tell her and she's looking at me, afraid of what I'll say and Alice comes over saying you told her? And she's mad because we agreed we wouldn't tell but how do you hide from the person who knows you inside and out and I don't say anything and Alice looks at Bella and Bella looks at me and I can't look her in the eye and she says what and I can't answer and then she's looking at Alice who's saying please, and I'm saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Bella drops the box and she holds my face in her hand and she says please, no and she says why now and how could you and all the things she should say, and I have to look away and then she's gone, daddy, gone.

_**# # #**_

_**(Isa)Bella**_

On a good day, there's nothing. No feeling, no good, no bad, just numb. Today is not a good day. Today I get to school and I see Alice running up to him and I see her slipping her small hand into his and I think how did this happen to me? Then everything gets sort of gray and fuzzy and I feel, and before anyone can see me feel I turn around and head back to the parking lot.

I lean against my truck for a moment and let the nausea wash over me. It has got to fucking get easier, right? I won't always need to vomit every time I see him, right? I put my hand on the door handle and then there's something blocking me. I feel a wall of solid and warm behind me and for a second I think it's him but then I know better.

Edward says going somewhere and I just nod. Bullshit he says. You're not going to let them see you this way. It's fucking pathetic that you are this way, but you're not going to let them see you this way, you hear me? His voice is low and soft and angry in my ear.

What do you want from me, I ask. He says I want you to start being Bella again, and if you can't do that, then I want you to fake it. Can't, I say, and I don't even notice that there's a tear running down my cheek until he wipes it away. Christ, he says. Fucking pathetic. Then he's pushing me aside, opening the door to my truck and pushing me inside. He slides in after me and holds his hand out for the keys. I don't know where he's taking me and I don't really care at this point. I just need to be someplace other.

He takes me to his house, to his room, and sets me on the bed. Then he moves around me. He talks, I don't listen. Not really. He turns on the stereo and plays some music. He reads and then he does his homework and then mine. Finally he stops moving and is still. The air is still and there's no music or television, just the sound of his breath and mine.

You can't let them do this to you, he says.

But they did, I answer, and it's true. Alice's pleading looks, and Jasper not being able to meet my eyes, all those things they did. Alice in his bed, Jasper saying he didn't remember. They did that too. Please, Bella, she said. I'm so sorry, we were so drunk. Please, we didn't mean it, it was an accident. They did that. Jasper with his head down, looking so defeated and sad that I want to hold him and make it okay for him but how can I when he's the one who did this? Who is he anyway? Not my Jas. Jas could never do this. Jas could never be so…dishonorable.

Traitorous.

Mean.

His guilty looks and Alice saying you told her, a question and an accusation and I say told me what because I knew there was something, he'd been so strange since they'd come home and then it was there in his eyes and how he could meet hers, but not mine. No, I say and I seek them out, the honey colored eyes and when he does look at me it's just pain, guilt and sadness and you have got to be fucking kidding me.

After everything, he did it anyway. After chasing me to the parking lot, after everything that happened that night, the hotel and the shower and him saying that he was in love with me. After Portland. How could he do it? So I say that to him, I say if you were going to fuck Alice why didn't you do it at Winter Formal? Why did you spend the last three fucking months telling me you love me if you were just going to fuck her anyway?

I drop the box I'm holding, a present for him, and I walk away. Emmett swears and Alice says please again and Edward follows me and says fuck, Bell, and then stops and watches, and then follows me some more. He takes my hand and leads me to his car and then takes me home to my house and it's not until I get into my room that I start to cry. He holds me and holds me and the pain just fucking rips through me because everywhere I look, Jasper is there. The golden hair on my pillow and the Cure t-shirt balled up on the floor and photos of us everywhere. The stack of CDs and some were mine and some were his and his English book is on my dresser and so is his favorite pencil and his lucky deck of cards. All of this now is bad and wrong and an hour ago it was everything good and right and pure in my world.

Edward is still holding me and he's not making any sweet sounds or telling me to shush now or even to just cry it out. He's just…there. Charlie comes home and Edward goes downstairs and says some things and then Charlie's at my door saying Bells? You okay? He can see that I'm not, but I say yeah, dad, I'm okay, and then he says something to Edward and Edward says yes sir and then he's holding me again. And wow, I must be in bad shape for Charlie to let Edward just hang out in my room like this.

The hours pass then Edward helps me tease apart the pieces of my life that were intertwined with _him_. There's a box and we fill it and the next morning it's gone. Jasper's gone. No more secret language. No more Jas. No more Sunday mornings.

I take two days off and spend the weekend alone. I can't stay in the house because he's all over it. I can't go anywhere I know because everyplace I run to is soaked through with him. I show up on Edward's doorstep and he takes me in. He asks nothing of me. We just are.

For two weeks I have to throw up every morning when I get to school, and that's for the good. I wake up crying and that's for the good too. I want the pain that comes with betrayal. I want the hurt so that I remember never to hurt like this again. But seeing him with her today – touching her. I can't do that yet. That's when the hate begins to fill in the spaces where the pain lives.

Eventually I realize that Edward's calling my name and I blink and then I see him. Bella, he asks, and then he sees that I see him and he sighs. I'm going to fucking kill him, he says and I shake my head. Too good for him, I say and then I realize that I made a joke. Edward is looking at me, the crooked smile on his face, and he says welcome back to the living, Swan. I smile and it feels strange and wrong but I do it anyway and fuck them all. I am not going down so easy.

The next day Edward drives me to school. My truck is still in the lot and there's an envelope, fat with pages, stuck in under the wiper. I pick it up and see _his_ scrawling script, see that it says Trix and I drop it on the ground and walk away. I am wearing _his_ favorite skirt and I am wearing _his_ favorite shirt and I am walking into that school covered in everything that _he_ will never touch again and it feels good. Fuck him and fuck her too.

As I'm walking down the hallway Edward slides his arm around my shoulder and I let it stay there. Fuck them both. At lunch Edward pulls me onto his lap and lets his hand rest on my thigh. _He_ comes in and sees us and leaves. Fuck him. Walking into English is hard because _he_ is there and we used to sit together but I have moved to a new seat and I talk louder and laugh longer and I smile, smile, smile, because everything is great. Fuck. You.

Once we're away from them Edward drops the pretenses. He plays my game for them, for me, but when we're alone he touches me less and smiles less. He watches me, pensive, and I finally say stop and he's just quiet and says okay. But he doesn't. So I know then that I have to pretend for him too. And over the next few days I get better at it and over the next few days he swallows it down until there is nothing left for anyone to see except shiny, happy Bella, and I hate that girl, that girl that I've become but it's the only way I know to get through. And I'm so fucking lonely and I miss him every fucking goddamned day and I'm afraid that this fucking hole in my chest is never going to go away. I will never be for anyone the way I was with him.

The worst part though is pretending for Edward. Because I know that any day now Edward will climb through my window and he'll whisper Isabella, Cibola. Any day now. I don't know what to do.

_**# # #**_

_**Emmett**_

If I thought shit was fucked up before, I had no idea. Fuck. You know, a year ago? Shit was good. Bella was the new girl and flirty as shit and cute as fuck and fucking ass hot. Cullen was practically coming in his pants he was so hot for her and Rose of course hated her, she hates anyone who gets that kind of attention, and I don't know if Alice even noticed her until she saw Jasper notice her. But we were all cool. It was chill.

Bella and Jasper, they became friends. That's what I don't get. How could he do that to her? And shit, the way those two used to be together? After Winter Formal when they just disappeared and before all this bullshit? Fuck, I hate to say it, but there were times I was jealous. To have Rose look at me like that, right out in the open, where anyone could see it? The way they always had to be touching, and it wasn't even sexual, they just…always had to be touching. How she wore his clothes and he let her. He liked it. She liked it. Like they were saying to everyone: Hers. His. Mine.

You know he picked out her dress for her for that dance? Shit. Alice about lost it when she heard that. I don't think she thought Jasper had it in him. Maybe that's why she did it. I mean, the way Jasper looked at Bella, there's no way Alice was coming between them. So maybe that's why she got him drunk and fucked him, at least, that's what happened according to Rose. And she would know.

Doesn't matter though. What's done is done.

Now Jasper's walking around looking like he's seeing ghosts, and if I have to see Bella smile that fake fucking too big smile one more time I think I'm going to punch something. Like I can't see that she's in a million pieces over this? If Cullen wants to pretend she's all good, well, that's on him. But fuck, you can see it in her eyes, how they look all fucking desperate and panicked. How anytime Jasper's around she's gotta turn it up a notch. Can't he see through that shit? Can't he just fucking fix it? Somebody's got to. I swear to Christ, I just can't look at that smile again.

_**# # #**_

**May**

_**Edward**_

Fuck me. You know, I thought it was shitty before when I had to be their friend and fucking watch the two of them acting like they fucking invented love. But I had no idea how shitty things could get. Because, fuck, at least before? When she looked at me she saw me. At least before she wasn't this fucking walking talking impression of Bella.

Now though, it's like there's nothing there. Fucking no Bella inside at all. She looks good, though. It was touch and go for a while and there was one day when she was so fucking broken I swear to fuck if she hadn't needed me so much I really would have kicked the shit out of Whitlock for doing that to her. I called her fucking pathetic and she was but it worked because the day after she was fucking amazing. She was so fucking beautiful, tumbling down the steps of her house in that tiny skirt and the pink shirt and the black and white tights. She batted her lashes and she flirted shamelessly and she shook her ass as she walked down the corridors and my dick got hard just watching her. I was proud of her. That's my girl. Then she met my eyes and motherfuck. Nothing there.

Fucking Whitlock. Motherfucker. If he was just going to fuck Bella around like this, then why couldn't he have given her up at Winter Formal? Why couldn't he have given her up before she gave me up? Fucker.

As much as I hate to admit it, I've become Bella's bitch. I can't even fucking enjoy a party anymore because someone's got to get her home before she drops her panties for a fucking sophomore. I can't fucking hook up because the one time I started to I was interrupted by a cheer and found Bella starting to put on a fucking strip tease while standing on the fucking coffee table. Christ. What a fucking joke. Little miss classic fucking psych 101 acting out.

I let her smoke some pot because that seems to calm her down some, but I fucking told Newton that if he ever tried to feed her X again that it would be the last fucking happy moment that he ever had. She just needs constant fucking babysitting and who the fuck else is going to do it? Emmett keeps an eye out but…that shit isn't right. He can't take her how she is now. And someone's got to help her with her homework because she's drinking and smoking every chance she gets. If she starts failing, the Chief puts her on lockdown and that shit isn't going to fly At. All. Besides, she's been accepted to schools all over the place and she's got to get the fuck out of this town. Anyone can see that.

She used to be so fucking beautiful. She still is, so long as you don't look her in the eye.

Fucking Whitlock's not any better. About a month after the big bang, he has a fucking party at his house. He's walking around like his puppy died, then turns around and has a fucking party? Douche. So we all go and everyone's having a great time and he's such a fucking prince he makes sure that Bella knows she's meant to come, and you know that she can't stay away. I fucking offered to take her anywhere in the fucking world. I would have taken her to fucking Egypt if she wanted, but nope, she's got to be at Whitlock's. Of course she's fucking high and wasted before she walks in the door but she plays it mellow, always keeping a room or two away from him and he's fucking orbiting her like a satellite.

The music's really going and she's out there dancing with her usual host of admirers. Crowley's got his hands on her hips and she's shaking to Live and Let Die, screaming the lyrics like she's Axl fucking Rose, and everyone's cheering her on. They don't see.

I'm watching her from the side and I notice Jasper come out and he's watching her. No, he's staring. And the track changes to some fucked up Jasper shit, Elvis Costello or something and it's all "I want you, I want you, I want you," and Newton and Crowley are making a sandwich and she looks up and mouths the words at Jasper and he shudders. He looks over at me and I swear to fuck, I think he's about to cry and he says can you just get her out of here? So I do. I take her back to my room and she crawls into my bed and I touch her hair and as she's passing out I say Isabella and she doesn't move and I say Trix and she balls up and clutches me around her.

Fucking Whitlock. Motherfucker.

_**# # #**_

_**Jasper**_

It took me three weeks to open the box. Emmett picked it up and he held on to it for me as I watched her run away and I watched Cullen go after her. That was right though. I didn't deserve her. Cullen at least tried.

Three weeks that box sat, looking at me as I wondered what she was trying to give me. I thought I should give it back, not open it. She couldn't want me to have it now. But I couldn't give away this last piece of her, so I'm alone in my room with Mr. Maker's Mark for company when I slipped the brown paper from the box. A shoe box. Trix trying to dress me? Not her style.

The top of the box was covered in her scrawl, big loopy letters, made bigger by her need to fill in the space. Things You Don't Know You Love. I slip the lid away and it's a cornucopia of things she thinks I need. No, things she thinks that I will love. A dozen CDs glint in the light: Tragically Hip, Judybats, Pharcyde, Elvis Costello, Depeche Mode, Leonard Cohen. A children's movie starring David Bowie and another movie starring Prince. Two books: The Things They Carried and Where the Sidewalk Ends. There was a piece of candy wrapped in a black and gold box. Tickets to a museum. A bottle of bubbles.

Each item had specific instructions on a post-it note. I was to meant read this passage or that. I was meant to love this song or that. I was to watch the Bowie movie all the way through twice. Museum on a Tuesday afternoon in the rain. The candy with the lights out after a cigarette. I stared at it. This shoebox, full of pieces of her.

I did it all, too, just like she said. The Prince movie was terrible but perfect because of it. The end of the Bowie movie was like an Escher print. And the music, the music. She was so fucking right, I loved it all. I played nothing but her music, never letting up until I was drenched in it. The songs she said I would love, I did. But there were others too, songs of betrayal and I loved those too because they made me feel awful and I want to feel awful because I am.

And every day, the ache of her absence.

It' not just the lover, not just her soft skin that I miss. You know I would give that up. I would give up the candymouth and the cotton panties and the way she ties my shirts into knots so that they fit her. I would give up ever holding her again if I could just have her laugh at me one more time. To catch her eye across the table and have her give me that look because she knows just what I'm thinking. I would give it all up if I could just _talk_ to her again, just be her friend.

I watch her around and she's trying so hard to hurt me and I want to grab her and hold her and say don't be so busy girl, I hurt plenty just looking at you. Instead I watch her as she becomes careless, letting them all touch her, letting them all try to take a piece of her away with them, and none of them knows who she is. None of them know about restless nights and her talking in her sleep, sometimes crying for her mama. None of them know that when her stomach hurts she needs strawberry ice cream and when she's hung over she likes runny eggs on burnt toast. None of them have seen her, dancing on the bed, tank top and white cotton boy shorts, arms waving wild in happiness just to be alive and free on a Sunday morning. Instead they see the candymouth and big brown eyes and they think that makes her whole. Those aren't even the best parts.

When my Mama left town and Alice and Rosalie insisted on throwing a party I needed her to come, I needed to see her in my space again. Watching her move around my house though, it sliced me open all over. I was drinking bourbon straight and she's everyone's everything. She's smiling and laughing and the sound of it, too sharp, it hurts. I watch her all night and then she's dancing and she's letting Crowley touch her ass and I have to watch her. Then the Elvis Costello comes on and what the fuck? How did that get on the playlist? She starts moving, grinding her ass against Crowley and pulls Newton over and they're both pushing against her and she's got her hands on both of them. I can't stop staring and I'm going to fucking scream if Crowley's hand goes any higher up her thigh. She looks at me then, the first time in a fucking month, she looks at me and starts mouthing the words to the song, her candymouth twisted into a mean smile.

_I want you  
I want to know the things you did that we do too  
I want you  
I want to hear he pleases you more than I do  
I want you  
I might as well be useless for all it means to you  
I want you  
Did you call his name out as he held you down  
I want you  
Oh no my darling not with that clown  
I want you  
I want you_

I can't take it one more second. I look over at Cullen and he's watching her too, I can see he wants to hit someone, and I say to him please, can you just get her out of here because man, I can't look at her anymore. Not like this. Not my little Bella-trix. I see the look on his face and he's pissed at me for making her this way, and I'm so grateful to him for taking care of her that I don't care, man. Hate me. I do.

Monday at school I find him. He is turning a corner and she isn't with him. I say hey and he just looks at me and I say thank you, for taking care of her. He shakes his head and turns but then comes back. Why'd you do it, he asks. If you were just going to fuck Alice anyway, why'd you have to take Bella too? I say I'm sorry, I say I was drunk, I say I don't remember anything other than Alice on my lap, her tongue in my ear, and me pushing her away. Don't you know what I would do to have her back, I say. He bows his head, lets his anger go and he says, quiet, yeah, I do. We take a long look at each other, both of us losing her, both of us wanting her, neither of us having her, not really. We used to be brothers. We used to be friends. I would give it up all over again if I could hold her close, one more time.

The day after the party she called me. I missed the call – I was in the shower and when I saw her name on the screen? Panic. Joy. Pain. Relief. I called her back but she'd blocked my number after my 100th phone call saying I'm sorry, so it only rang and rang. Calling Trix.

After that though, I never let my phone out of my sight. I kept it at full volume. I took fast showers and I kept my phone in my shirt pocket. At night I slept with it in my hand and one morning, around two am, I wake up to G. Love singing Baby's Got Sauce and I flip the phone open and say yeah because I can't say Bella and I can't say Trix. It's pain and joy and relief and panic again and she says nothing. I can hear her crying though, her quiet cry when she doesn't want anyone to know that she's hurt. I'll take it. I'll take her crying every night, all night, because it's her and I deserve her pain. I listen and I say shush now and she takes a deep breath and hangs up.

Two nights later, same thing. And the next night and the next. Some nights she's crying and some nights she's quiet and I've learned that if I say anything she hangs up. So I sit, quiet, and I take whatever she's giving me because her tears are better than the nothing she's been giving me for a month now.

It gets to be a habit with her. I realize one morning that on the nights she doesn't call it's because of Cullen, and that means he's probably there with her or she's with him and I want to hurt him and I'm grateful too. Because I see that girl, the one she's become. There's nothing soft there anymore it's all hard words and sharp smiles and a laugh that slices me open, every time. And he's taking care of her.

I'm thinking about all of this, playing it over in my head. I'm waiting for the phone to ring and when it does, she's crying. It's not as soft, not as silent. I listen, each breath a fresh cut. I miss you, she whispers and I blink and then I'm up off the bed, car keys in hand, and saying where are you? Quiet sob again and she doesn't say a word. Please don't let her hang up, I think. Please. I'm out of the house and my hand is on the door to my truck when she whispers school and hangs up. I turn and run because it's not far.

I get to the school and see the gate is closed and locked and I look down and I'm not wearing shoes. I pace in front of the gate and see her truck in the lot. I walk over but she's not there. I remember another way in and I walk around the school and find the open space and slip inside. She's in the middle of the quad, sitting on a picnic table, shaking. I run again because it's too far. Then I'm there in front of her. She doesn't look at me, and her shoulders tremble with tears.

Hey, I say and she says nothing. I don't know what to do so I do what I want to do. I walk over to her and I put my arms around her and she just…sinks into me. I'm so shocked I think my heart stops beating and then I pull her tighter and she shakes a little harder and then she stops shaking at all. I stroke her hair and I say shush, now Trix and she lets me. She calms and even though I'm cut open and bleeding from taking in her pain I'm also whole again. Finally.

She lets me hold her and I never want to stop but eventually I say let me take you home and she hands me her keys and I drive her to her house. She gets out of the truck, takes the keys and walks inside. She never looks at me. Meanwhile, I'm walking home barefoot at three am and it's far.

The next day at school she's better. Her laugh isn't as hard and her smile isn't as bright and sharp and cutting. Cullen's watching her like she's some kind of bug but I know she's a puzzle and I'm still trying to figure her out.

_**# # #**_

_**Edward**_

I don't know what's more fucked up: that she still wants him or that I still want her. Fucking losers, all of us. I mean, fuck. Bella's becoming Forks High's biggest fucking cock tease, and I fucking shudder to think of what it would be like if I wasn't following her around like a bitch. I thought it would be worth it, you know? I thought, after she cries this shit out of her system, after she sees how much I care for her, she'll figure it out. She'll give me a shot.

It hasn't fucking happened. I finally had to cut her off from the weed and the booze. I fucking drive her to Port Angeles every other fucking night just to get her out of the party scene. I bring her home after school and we fucking do our goddamned homework. Me. Edward Cullen. Doing fucking homework with a hot chick and not just using it as an excuse to get into her pants. I swear to fuck this shit is pissing me off.

The worst part of it though? The part that makes me want to fucking retch? She'd have me if I pushed her. It wouldn't be me, but she'd let it happen. About a week after the party at Whitlock's house? We're hanging down at the beach with a bunch of people and thank fuck Jasper's not there and of course Alice isn't either and I know she's fucking thinking they're together because she's just drinking and drinking and then dancing and then she's on Yorkie's lap and he's got his hand up her skirt and she's not even feeling it. I'm not about to watch that shit go down, so I pick her up and toss her over my shoulder and if she wasn't wearing tights the whole world would have seen her panties and at this point I do not give a fuck. At this point I'm fucking tired of the Bella show.

So I drag her out of there and take her back to my house and we're in my room and she's all sleepy and I know in another twenty minutes she's going to be teary so I settle her down on the bed because what the fuck else am I going to do with her? I start stroking her hair, hoping I can get her to sleep before she starts crying and then she starts talking to me, asking me why I think he did it, and does he still love her, did he ever, or was it always Alice, and you have got to be fucking kidding me.

She turns on her back to look at me and I can't help myself. She's so fucking soft and sweet and I'm so fucking tired of seeing her sad. There's a trace of the old Bella in her eyes, and fuck, that's the first time since this shit went down that I can see anyone in there. I stroke her fat bottom lip with my thumb and she doesn't move. I lean down to kiss her and she kisses me back, and I'm thinking finally and yes and thank you, thank you. I part my lips and her tongue meets mine and it's fucking exactly what want. Bella soft and sweet for me.

I reach my hand up to caress her cheek and that's when I notice her face is wet. She's fucking crying while she's kissing me. I pull away and she buries her face in my neck and she stays that way until she's asleep.

I just can't do this shit anymore. That girl is going to be the death of me.

_**Alice**_

I don't know why Rosalie's being such a bitch about all of this. I never should have told her. I mean, it's not like she's Bella's biggest fan, and I know for a fact that she considers Jasper beneath her. She's never liked him, which only proves that she's not that bright. Say what you will about some of his choices, but Jasper is a great guy. Just great.

So I don't know why all of a sudden she needs to be miss do the right thing. What's the right thing? I mean, it's not like I lied to anyone. If people got the wrong idea, well, that's on them. And if they want to act on the wrong idea, well doesn't that kind of mean that they think it's the right idea? I think it does.

It's not like Bella's been all that sad. I mean, yeah, sure, she was really broken up that first week I guess, but boy, ever since then? She's just been little miss party girl. Really! I thought she was going to end up going home with Crowley _and_ Newton one night. Of course Edward had to go charging in there and drag her off. Party poop. He's always doing that these days though - going all caveman over Bella. It's so lame. If she wants to do half the school he should just let her. Not like it's any big loss. He could have any girl in the school. Well except for me. And Rose. Haha – and Bella. That, my friend, is irony. Oh, hell, I'd probably do him if he wanted to. He and Jasper aren't really friends anymore anyway.

Still, I don't see why Rosalie cares so much. I would think this is a good thing. I mean, at least she doesn't have to watch them all oogy over each other all the time. That stuff was getting gross. And once Jasper stops being so sad, he's going to be better. He's going to be smiling Jasper again and he's going to be happy and he's going to be holding my hand. Everyone knows it's just a matter of time. I mean, geez, he's been in love with me practically his whole life. And at first, I admit, I didn't see him that way. But then, later, I started to see how handsome he is. I think with a haircut and maybe some new clothes, he's going to be hot. He just needs a little help getting there. And that's where I come in. I mean, that's what I do. I make people better, prettier, more popular. It's my special gift.

So Rosalie is going to keep her mouth shut. There is no reason to say a word about this to anyone. Besides, what's done is done.

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**AN: Don't hate me! Hate Alice!! She's the one who got him drunk! Sorry. **

**This is such a monster chapter – I thank you all for sticking with it and reading through. Again, I couldn't find a good place to cut it off. But then, I really like long chapters anyway.**

**And wow - just wow. I have the best fans evah. Thank you all so much for your encouragement and support. What started out as a one-shot is now over 20,000 words long. And all because of you. :-) (and the voices in my head who don't shut up.)**

**Speaking of voices…Jasper must have heard you all cheering him on, because he had a LOT to say this chapter and a LOT to say in the next chapter. Which is funny, because Jasper has always been my least fav Twilight character, and Alice has always been my favorite. (A bff who can see the future? Hell yeah! I want one!)**

**A few of you have asked me what "cher" means when Jasper says it. It's a term of endearment meaning loved one. This version of Jasper is from Louisiana, and my good friend, Mr. C is from there and he uses it often, and it always makes me smile. **

**Okay, there's at least one more chapter left, and I've already got a chunk of it written. I know how it ends, but I'm not telling. Bwahahahaha! **

**Stories I'm loving: I read Over the Top this weekend and wow! I'm not a slash fan at all, but this has a really sweet love story between Jasper and Edward. Give it a read if you're so inclined, but be forewarned – graphic lemons of the slash kind. Also, for a more traditional Edward/Bella tale, check out Cake. It's sweet. Lastly, if you liked Boy in the Red Sweater, go check out Girl with the Red Notebook, same author, EPOV. Sweaterward is back. :-) Links in my profile. **


	4. Summertime Rolls, I

AN: Huge thanks to **TragicCure,** who listens and reassures, and to **tmichellecullen,** for the great big grins and the story rec.

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**Get Me To You**

**Summertime Rolls, Part I**

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**May**

_**Jasper**_

Friday night she's at my window, knocking. I'm a little drunk, the Knob Creek at my bedside half full, but it's what I do to get through. I see it's her and I pull her in, pull her on to me, onto the bed and she sits, wrapped around me. She puts her hand, so small and soft, she puts it on my chest, over my heart and just feels it pounding against her palm. If I say something, she might run away, so I don't. She's not crying though. No tears. That's better, right?

We sit for what seems like all night and then I lay back and pull her with me and she comes. Soon she is asleep and she begins to thrash as Trix is wont to do and I pull her close and say shush now and she quiets. I stroke her hair, strawberries, strawberries, and I say I love you (I am so fucking sorry) and I love you (I miss you so fucking much) and I love you (I love you). Eventually I fall asleep and when I wake up she is gone, and there's not even a strand of her hair on my pillow to prove she was here.

Still, she comes back again, knocking on my window at two in the morning, like she woke up in the middle of the night and decided she needs to be here with me. I want for that to be true, but I also know that I can't just keep taking in her pain without a word from her, or from me.

She climbs in through the window and I help her and she doesn't meet my eyes. I walk her to the bed and she's got her face in the crook of my neck. Trix, I say and she digs in deeper, like she can get to where she needs to be in the crook of my neck. Trix, I say again because I can't let her hide _from_ me _in_ me.

Cher, what are you doing here, I say. She says nothing and then she's shaking and I can feel that she's crying. Trix, I say and pet her hair because that's what she likes when she's crying. I hear her then, her low whisper through shaky breaths. I fucking miss you so much, she says. I hold her tighter and she tries to cry less and can't. I fucking hate you she says and I say aw, hell, Trix, I hate me too. Then she's sobbing again, deep, choking breaths and she's got her hands fisted around my shirt and I just hold on and hold on until she's cried it out.

I lay her down on the bed and stroke her hair and soon she's asleep, but I stay up all night. She stirs just after the sun pinks the sky and I am slow to open my arms so that she can leave. She does leave, though, and I sleep, and my head is filled with her, coming close, running away. I grab her hand and she disappears. She is terrifying in her grief.

She comes back two nights later and I don't try to talk to her. She stays and sleeps, curled into me, and at this point, I am looking pretty sorry but I'll stay up all night, every night, if it's with her. I sleep in the afternoons, after school. Sometimes I smoke a little and that sends me off fast and sometimes I drink a little but mostly I just lay down and think of her and before I know it I'm waking up from sweet dreams of my little Bella-trix.

After her fourth night in my bed I start to see that this isn't helping her like I thought. She doesn't shine that too-bright smile, but I can still see the panic in her eyes. I can see that it hurts her pride. I love this girl with my whole heart but I'm not going to help her hurt herself.

The next morning I go to the kitchen and Mama's got a hot cup of tea for me and she says did I see Bella leaving here this morning and I just nod. I like her, you know, she says and I know. I sit down and the table and she gives me a good long looking over. You two patch things up, she asks. I look into my cup and shake my head. Didn't think so, she says, and wraps her arms around my neck.

Then she says baby boy, and she holds me tight and I need it and she knows it. Mama, I say and she says shush now and holds me a little longer. I feel small and loved and it's healing but I don't deserve it. I start to pull away from her and she says is it that bad? I don't say a word and then she says Jasper Jason Whitlock, I know you and what you get up to, and I let it go because you always do right. You keep your grades up, you help me when I ask and even when I don't. You've grown into a good man with a good heart, and I know you would never do anything so wrong that you couldn't make it right. I take my cup and I say thank you, Mama, but I don't look at her because I am not the man she thinks I am. Instead I go back to my room.

I can still smell Trix on my pillow and I need a dose to start the day.

The next time she comes to my window I open it and pull her in. She tries to move past me but I catch her at her waist and say stop. She does, and I turn her to face me. She doesn't want to look at me but I tip her chin up and it's like a tear in my heart to see that pain in her eyes.

What are you doing here, I say and she looks down again and I just can't fucking stand it, not one minute more. I say I love you (I am so fucking sorry) and she's crying again. I say again, why are you here? She shakes her head, sobbing. Trix, I say, is it helping? She doesn't say anything and so I pull her away and make her look at me, tears and all. Her eyes flash that panic and this is my cue to pull her out of whatever she's in but I can't, because I made this.

What do you want me to do, I ask and she fists my shirt into her hands and she's pulling me down onto the bed and she's in a ball and I'm wrapped around her and she whispers into my chest just fix this. I don't know how, I answer and she cries some more. I say shhsh and then I kiss her cheek because I want the tears to just fucking go away. She lets me, too. So I kiss her other cheek and her forehead and oh my god I have missed her skin under my lips and then she pulls back and she slaps me and way to fuck it all up, Whitlock.

She's staring at me, her face nothing but hate and I say I'm sorry and she says bullshit and that makes me mad because I am fucking sorry. I am the sorriest fucking person I know. I say why are you here again. I want to know. I want to know if she knows. She doesn't say anything and I say you can't come back, Trix. She says what and I say you can't keep coming here if all you're going to do is cry and hurt you and hurt me. She stares and I keep talking because I've got to say it. I want you, Trix, and I'll take you any way I can get you, but not like this. She gets up and goes for the window and it takes every fucking thing I have in me not to stop her. I say use the door and she stops short and just stands still. I'm holding onto the bed so tight I think I'm going to tear the fabric but I don't stand up, and I don't go to her and I don't drag her back down onto the bed and hold her all night even though that is the only thing that I want in this world and it's what she wants too. She's giving me the shot, she's saying come and get me and I close my eyes because she has to make this decision.

I sit there quiet and I'm breathing hard and after a few minutes I open my eyes.

She is gone.

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**June**

_**Edward**_

I know she's fucking spending time with him. Motherfucker, I know it. I know because I call at two in the morning and she doesn't answer. I know because she's not as awful. She's not as scary and I know it's because giving her something, whatever it is that she needs and I'm so fucking pissed at him because I can't fucking give it to her. Or she won't give me the chance. Doesn't matter either way.

If she would just let me in, just let me try, I could do it. I could be whatever it is she needs me to be. Fuck, I'd even stop screwing other girls. I practically have anyway, I even turned down a blow job from Mallory last week. I mean, fuck. This? This is getting ridiculous. I keep trying to be there for her, trying to be her friend because I know that if she'd just get the fuck over it we could be together. I could climb through the open window and crawl under her covers. She wouldn't be so fucking bruised and broken she'd be like she was, all soft and sweet with those big brown eyes and her skin, so fucking white and perfect. God she has the most beautiful skin. So I'm fucking trying, you know? I'm being patient as a motherfuck, just trying to give her "space" and "time." Whatever the fuck that means.

Shit, half the time I almost wish she'd just go back to him. Maybe if she did she wouldn't be so fucked up anymore. Maybe she wouldn't be so bent. I can't have her like this, though. I can't have her crying when I kiss her and I can't have her with that fucking look in her eyes, all panicky and pissed off. Whatever. I should just get her back with fucking Whitlock. I've got to get the fuck out of this thing. I can't be Bella's bitch forever.

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_**Jasper**_

Friday and I'm at school and Bella-trix has been hovering all week. I catch her staring at me once or twice, but she hasn't been back since I said no and I miss her creeping into my bed. Still, it's better. She seems better. Not so raw, at least.

I'm in the parking lot, listening to Hendrix making the world right, and Trix is wherever Trix is and that's supposed to be gym but she doesn't do supposed to anymore. How things got so fucked up I do not know. Then Cullen's pounding on the side of the door and I lean over and we're just about eye level. I say yeah and he says First Beach, tonight. I tilt my head because I didn't know we were friends again so I say I didn't know we were friends again and he laughs a little bit and says when were we not? I'm about to say it and then I realize that this isn't about that anyway. So I raise my eyebrow at him and he says aw, fuck, man, that chick drains me. First Beach, he says again. About nine. Then he walks away.

I lean my head back on the seat and realize some things. Cullen is giving her up. He's giving her back to me. He wouldn't do that if she didn't want it, because drained or not, he does still love her. And not that shitty, obsessed, I want what I can't have love. The last few weeks have seen him a brand new man. The last few weeks have seen him…selfless. He finally gives a shit about someone other than himself. I smile to myself, proud and glad. I got to see it when it happened.

I leave the school then because the day's almost over anyway and Jimmy is giving me just enough to let me sleep. If I'm doing this tonight, and how can I not, I'll need the rest.

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_**(Isa)Bella**_

I didn't think Edward would let me go to the party. I thought for sure there would be something amazing in Port Angeles tonight that we just had to see. He's been like that and that's alright. It's probably better than alright. He's probably saved me from a half dozen STD's. But not really. I wouldn't be pulling that shit if he didn't have my back. I just…I want Jasper to see it. I want him to hurt.

But every time I do it, every time I hurt him I just end up feeling so much fucking worse. Why? Why did he have to fuck Alice? Why wasn't I enough? And why do I want to be back with him so bad? Because god help me, I do. In the last two months nothing has felt good or right except the times that I was with him. Not all the booze, not letting Newton and Crowley try to get in my fucking pants, not even Edward, as fucking sweet as he's been. Nothing has felt right except Jasper.

Of course, I had to go and be a fucking junkie about it. Classic Bella. I can never just leave well enough alone. So I called him and just hearing him say yeah, hearing him say shush now, like he does when I cry, that just made everything better, and worse. Jesus, how can two words make you feel so good and so bad at once? Like my heart is fucking breaking and healing all at once? If he starts talking though, starts trying to justify it? God, no. I can't. Can't take that.

So I wake up one night and it's one in the morning and fuck, I just can't sleep worth shit anymore. So I drive around and I think I'll go to Edward's because I can always go there but that's just fucking shitty of me. I mean, he's being so fucking good and I can't just keep crawling into his bed without giving him some part of me eventually. One time he tried, and I would have let him but he stopped. If he really wants it, I'd let him. But he…doesn't. He doesn't take it anyway, and I'm not just going to give it. Can't.

So I'm driving around and I find myself at Jasper's house and fuck me. Pay attention, Swan. You can't just show up at Jasper's house anymore. So I go to the school and I dig around my glove box and there's the flask full of Bakers that Jasper left there months ago. I take the flask and go sit on the swings and drink and swing and then I fall off. I start crying, of course, what the fuck else would I be doing if not crying, I swear to fucking god I am so fucking sick of me sometimes and then I'm pissed and I think I'm going to just get the fuck out of here because Jesus, how much can one person cry?

I stumble around the school and I can't drive, not like this, and it's really far to my house so I just sit at one of the tables in the quad and wait to sleep or sober up. And then I'm thinking about him and how he's close and how I just need him to come and get me and be with me. Just come and be with me and pretend that everything's okay and I'm thinking that and then I'm calling him and I say I miss you because fuck, I do. He asks where I am and I know if I say that he'll do it, he'll come and get me and pull me out of this and I just fucking need him so much so I do it, I say school and he comes and if he doesn't talk, if he just stays quiet, I can pretend.

He does, and I do.

And it's fucking perfect. It's everything again. I'm there in his arms and he's wrapped up around me and he's touching my hair and breathing me in and he smells so fucking good – just clean clothes and tobacco and bourbon sweet and honey and _him_. Just him. He finally says let me take you home and I know I need to go so I give him my keys and he takes me home.

A few nights later I can't help myself, I go again. And it's perfect, again. Back in his arms again. His bed. Him. Holding me close and for the first time in two months I can sleep. If I dream, I don't remember I just sleep and it's so good. Do you know how good it feels to sleep when you haven't? How good it feels to fall asleep feeling warm and safe? Feeling loved? Because with enough booze to forget and with his arms around me, that's exactly what I feel. So I go back and pretend and he tries to talk and my tears shut him down because they always do and it's a cheap trick but fuck it. He's due.

In the mornings though, I can't help it. I hate myself. It's so fucking pathetic. I can't take him back, I can't be that girl. I can't forgive him. Can't. Not after everything. Not after Alice's hand in his that day. So at night he's my heaven and in the morning? He's my hell. Of course now I hate us both for being so weak.

But Jasper, he knows me, he sees it. He tells me I can't just keep coming over and I decide fine, fuck you, I won't. So I act like I'm leaving and I go to the window and he says use the door and what the fuck?

I wait; he's bluffing. But he doesn't get up, he doesn't pull me out like he always has. So fuck him. I am gone.

I call Edward to come get me and he doesn't answer his phone. That's when I know. He's telling me he's done and now I'm in the ocean and where the fuck is the shore?

It's a long walk home.

Things are odd between me and Edward then. He won't tell me outright to choose, because we both know I can't choose him. Yet. Maybe later, but not yet. He's getting tired of waiting. He's been better than I deserve.

So when he says party at First Beach, I say yes. Maybe I'm saying yes to him, finally. Maybe I'm saying yes to just getting the fuck out of myself for a night. I wonder if I can do it. Can I be with him, now?

I try to remember what it was like, how he could take my breath away by just looking at me. I try to remember how it felt to kiss him, and while I can remember salty mouth and hard tongue and teeth hitting mine, I can't remember my heart feeling anything. But I know it did. Can it again? Maybe I'll find out.

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_**Jasper**_

Cullen said nine so I'm pacing the floor, waiting until it's time to leave. If he gets there with her and she sees my truck, she'll bolt. If I get there too late, she could be wrapped around someone else, and I don't think I can handle that one tonight. Tonight is for talking. If a little booze and a little weed helps, okay. I can let that be. But her wrapped around someone else getting even with me? That's done. Here and now.

The clock chimes nine and I leave. Ten minutes isn't going to be the end of the world. I pull over onto the side road and park with the rest of them. Newton's here, probably got Crowley with him. Stanley too, so that means Mallory. Emmett's Jeep, Cheney's truck. Gang's all here. I take another tip from the flask and start walking down to the glow of the fire. Tonight is hello or goodbye. Limbo is gone.

I walk toward the fire and it's flashing blue and gold and green and Cheney comes over saying hey man, glad you came and Ang is on his arm looking just glad to be by his side. I smile at them both because I remember how that feels. Emmett's on me next with Rosalie at his side. She's looking anywhere but at me and he's looking at her like he's waiting for something and I don't know what the fuck that's about. She drags him away and they're fighting about something and you know, I just can't care about that now.

I grab a beer from the cooler and walk over by the fire. It smells good and warm and mellow and I'm glad because tonight I need mellow. My stomach's trying to live where my heart belongs and my heart's somewhere around my knees. I try not to look for her but I spot Cullen down by the water and she's got her arm around his. He's walking her along and she's got a red plastic cup in her hand and I don't know. I don't like seeing him like that with her but I'm grateful too. They sit down on some driftwood and I can see them talking. Her face is down and he's leaning toward her and he's got his arm around her shoulder. I don't know what the fuck is going on and then Alice is there and you have got to be fucking joking, man. I wonder if all my bad luck just kind of hung out in one spot and waited for tonight?

Alice is putting her hand in mine and I'm saying no and stop and don't. She's looking up at me all big blue eyes and black hair saying please let's talk and I say there's nothing to say, Alice. She thinks there is and I finally say please go away. She gets mad and says that I can't let one night ruin my life and look at Edward and Bella and isn't it time that I get some of my own happiness. She's got this pleading look in her eyes, and six months ago? I would have taken her hand and led her away and I would have found out about Alice. Now I look at her and think what you don't know about happiness is a lot. Rosalie comes over then and she's pulling Alice away and I've got my eyes on Cullen. He gets up and walks away and Trix just sits on the log and watches the water and if I'm doing this, it's got to be now.

I pass Cullen on my way and he stops. He says we're even now and what he means is after this, if I can't set this right? She's his. What am I supposed to say? I nod and he nods and heads back to the party. I hear a shriek from Alice, or maybe it's Rosalie, and then I hear Emmett yell and then I'm so close I can smell Bella-trix on the breeze and I don't care anymore what else is happening.

I sit down and say Trix and she doesn't look at me. We sit there, quiet, and the wind takes a lock of her hair and it's doing this crazy dance and I tuck it back behind her ear and she leans in to my hand before she pulls away. I look at the red plastic cup she's got and I pick it up and smell it. I say was this enough and she nods. I hope it wasn't too much and if not, I know I have him to thank. For a lot tonight, it seems.

She watches the water and she's not crying and she says why.

Now this question? This question has been keeping me company every night and every day since it happened and I still don't know. I say have I ever lied to you and she says no. It's fast, too. She knows I never have. I say I won't ever lie to you, can you believe that? She doesn't answer and we just sit there a while. Finally she sighs and says I can try.

I'll take try. Shoot, I'll take this whole conversation because it's the most we've talked, really talked, in months. I say how much do you want to hear. She says you have to say it all because if I'm going to hate you, I want to know why. I say that's fair enough and I don't let on that inside I am both hopeful and terrified.

I tell her we were playing cards at the kitchen table. I tell her we were drinking a lot and that Alice was on my lap and that I didn't think much of it because she'd been on my lap a lot. I told her that Alice was sweet and brought me aspirin because my head hurt and that Rosalie was bored and missing Emmett and I say I missed you so bad it was all I could think about, day and night. I tell her that I remember feeling warm and tired, like, wrapped _up _in warm and wrapped _up_ in tired and that all of a sudden I just wanted the bed. Then I tell her that I woke up in the morning smelling her and that I was so happy and then I was so sad.

She huffs and says come on, Whitlock. You've been dying to nail Alice for six years and when you do you can't remember anything? Then she says, I can't take you back, you know. So don't lie thinking you'll get me back. You won't. I tell her again about the morning and smelling strawberries and she stiffens. You mean my shampoo she says and I say yeah and she's quiet and I wonder what that's about. Then I'm thinking that maybe Sweet Alice did this on purpose and I think Trix might think so too because she says my shampoo again and it doesn't matter because what's done is done, strawberries or no.

I say I opened your present. She doesn't say anything and I say I loved it, just like you said. I say thank you and she's quiet still. Finally she says Bobcaygeon and I say yeah. I look up and for once the stars are not hidden in clouds and I sing, low:

_It was in Bobcaygeon_

_I saw the constellations_

_Reveal themselves, one star at a time_

Then I say Orion, he's shining tonight. She leans over a little and I point him out and she puts her hand out to point and I hold on to it to show her and she leans closer, so I put my arm around her and we're both staring up, pointing at the sky and then I'm not staring because she's in my arms and she's reasonably straight and she's not crying and if this is as close as I ever get it's enough, enough, enough for me. (But who am I kidding? It's never enough. No such thing as enough when it comes to her.)

She leans her head on my shoulder and she holds still, then she tucks her head into my neck and she breathes me in and says fuck all long and slow and drawn out. I start to pull away because I'm not having this again and she holds me tight and won't let me go and I don't want to let her go either so I stay put and I'm a coward until I feel her lips on my neck and her fingers and creeping into my hair and then I'm so fucking grateful to her I want to fucking cry. I hold still and let her come to me and in another minute her lips are on mine and I reach up to touch her face, her hair and that's when I feel her tears. God damn.

I pull away but she clings so I stand and she rises and then lets me go.

We don't say anything until I say not like this, Trix. She says don't call me that and I say okay, Bella and she says don't call me that and I say what can I call you then? She doesn't say anything and she's fucking crying again.

This is about as fucked up as fucked up gets. I pull her in and hold her close and I say can we just try to be friends. Please? She doesn't answer but she does stop crying and then, my girl? She hauls off and hits me. I don't know if I'm proud or pissed or what, because that's the girl I know and love and well, fuck, I deserve it. But then she's running off and crying again and I'm chasing her and she says fuck you, you fucking asshole, you fuck, and I catch her wrist and say please, let's talk, let me take you home, anywhere I don't care, let's just go be alone somewhere and then she hauls off and hits me again and that shit hurt.

Now I'm both proud and pissed and every-fucking-body is watching and Cullen grabs her wrist and starts to take her away and fuck that. I go after him and I grab him and he fucking snarls at me so I say fuck you, Cullen. Then I say you better not fucking touch her you dick, I'll fucking kill you if you fucking touch her and she (my girl) spins around and says fuck you, Jasper. You think you can just fuck around and think you own me? Fuck you.

Now I don't know where Emmett's been, but I'm ready to fucking hit someone and Edward's got his arm around her waist and that's the fucking end of it so I haul back and swing but Emmett's got me by the arm and he's saying something low in my ear and I can't fucking hear him because Cullen's got Trix and they're gone back up the path. Then Emmett's talking again and it's louder and then it's the only fucking thing I can fucking hear. I stop and I look at him and he's looking at me like he means it and I look at everyone but I'm looking for her and I see her and she looks fucking terrified. And I say Alice? Because no matter what, I have always trusted her. I'm not blaming her for shit because I was a partner in it so I say Alice again and she sobs and looks down and the whole fucking place explodes.

Emmett finally lets me go. Alice comes up to me and I push her away. It'd the closest I've ever come to hitting a girl and I'm telling you, I wanted to. I get to my truck and see Cullen's already taken Trix away. I call him, over and over and over and he doesn't answer and what the fuck? I go to her house and it's dark and I go to his house and he's not there and I don't know where the fuck they are. Finally I go home and call Emmett and he says the party kind of busted up after that and no, he doesn't know where Cullen is and then he says oh shit and hangs up. What the fuck?

I go back to Bella's and it's still dark and I go back to Cullen's and he's still not there so I finally just go home. I look around my room and realize there is not enough smoke, there is not enough booze to make this shit better tonight. I try anyway, taking a few hits from the bong then tipping back the flask. Liquid courage? No. Liquid memory loss, that's what I'm looking for.

I put Jimmy on repeat and try to get lost in remembering her lips on my neck. I don't know how long I stayed that way, but I must have fallen asleep because when the morning came up I turned over, trying to get away from the bright and she was warm and heavy next to me and I felt my arm curl around her. She sighed and shifted and as I squeezed the hip that fit just right in my palm, I breathed deep and smelled strawberries.

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* * *

**AN:** So, I got to about 10,000 words and realized I had another 2-4,000 to go, and decided to split this baby into two sections. The next section will be up soon. 5-7 days. Promise. And then there may be an epilogue and that will be all. Sad. I love this Jasper.

**Thank you so, so much** to all of you who have written reviews, sent PM's, and added this to your favorites or alerts lists. Honestly, getting those little email notifications is just like gmail delivering happiness instead of half-dead flowers. It's such a squee moment, Every. Single. Time.

I am so sorry if I didn't reply to your review. The suck that has been the problem with FFn has been blocking my ability to rely to reviews for a few days now. Please know they've made me all happy and glowy. I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations.

The song Jasper sings is Bobcaygeon by The Tragically Hip.

If you like Jasper fics, I'd like to recommend **Full Circle** and **Only at Night.** Both are pretty awesome in their own way. Links to both in my profile under favorite stories. Also, **The Tutor** is a hecka sweet E/B story. Worth reading, IMO.


	5. Summertime Rolls, II

**Get Me To You**

**Summertime Rolls, II**

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_**(Isa)Bella(trix?)**_

Edward tucked me into his car and tore out of his parking space like fire. He kept his eyes on the road, his knuckles white, and I'm wondering what the fuck? Why is he so pissed off? His phone starts ringing about five minutes later and he clicks off the ringer and then he throws it onto the floor of the car and just misses my foot. I look down and see that it says Jasper on the display and I swear to fucking god, as pathetic as I felt at that moment, I wanted to pick it up and hear his voice.

How sad is that? Wanting to be back with the guy who cheated on you? Who totally fucking humiliated you, because you know the whole fucking school knew. I just felt lame and stupid and bad. What made it worse though was how I felt when I'd been in Jasper's arms tonight. Feeling his arm around me, hearing him sing in my ear again, smelling his smell. God, I knew it was wrong but I just wanted to be his again. Fuck the humiliation and fuck the gossip, I just wanted to be back in his fucking arms again, because no matter how fucking great Edward Cullen was being, he never once made me feel whole like those five minutes with Jasper did tonight. Not once.

Edward's driving way past the outskirts of town, and way past his house. I say where are we going and he just sighs, then pulls off to the side of the road and fuckity fuck fuck fuck. It suddenly didn't matter how fucking whole I'd felt with Jasper, now I had to deal with Edward and this new sweetness and Jesus, Swan, you sure as fuck know how to pick them. Because, you know Edward's been fucking awesome these last few months. He's been doing exactly what I've needed him to do. He's had my back, he's watched out for me, and in all that time, he only tried to kiss me once. And I'm thinking, where the hell was this guy six months ago, when I needed him? Because if he'd shown up? I wouldn't even be in this position.

So I say that. I say, hey, where the fuck were you six months ago, when it mattered? He doesn't say anything but tips his seat all the way flat and then curls onto his side. I do the same and he reaches over for my hand. Edward Cullen holding hands? I am so fucked. I know what he's going to say and for a second I wonder what I'll say back. Because this is it. Do or die. If I don't say okay, if I don't open the gates to Cibola, he's gone. I only get a second to wonder if I'm ready for him, and then he says it. He says Isabella. Of course I start crying, because really, what the fuck else would I do?

He says shh and starts tracing little circles on the back of my hand with his thumb and it fucking hits me then: I can do this. I can be with Edward, be his girl, and it would be a fucking coup. The female population of Forks High would fucking hate me forever, because I had tamed the shrew. The male population would wonder what was so fucking special about me, that I'd slain both Jasper and Edward, and most importantly, Jasper would fucking hurt. Hurt. It would fucking kill him to see me with Edward. I wondered for a second what Rosalie would think and then I pulled my hand away from Edward.

Because it hit me the minute I thought her name. If all this was about was fucking with people, and what they thought? Well shit. That's just sad. Sad little way to live your life. Sad little way to be. That made me no better than any of these fucks. No better than the catty bitches who'd made my life hell that first month here. No better than the jocks who flipped my skirt up, no better than the teachers who gossiped behind their hands about me and Jasper when we'd finally figured it out. No better than Edward, trying to prove whatever to the world with his conquests. No better than Alice, only wanting what she couldn't have. The idea of hurting Jasper that bad made me fucking ashamed. No one deserved to hurt like that.

I sigh and suck back the tears and Edward says what's going on, Bells? I pause for a second and I say you know, I really loved you. I wish I did now, but I don't. He doesn't move, doesn't breathe. I say I owe you, Edward. I say you've been the best friend a girl could want, and I wish to fuck I still loved you, but I don't. I say I'm sorry that this is so harsh, but I wish you'd been this honest with me, and no matter what happens, I'll always know who you really are. And you're totally decent Edward. So don't let anyone talk you out of that, least of all you. Then I look down at my hands and say sorry to go all ABC Afterschool Special on you, but you should know that.

He turns onto his back and sighs. Fucking Whitlock he says and I say yeah. He tips his seat back up and he says home, Miss Swan? I smile and I say actually, can I use your phone? He says sure and I call the only person I know who could possibly make sense out of this shit. Twenty minutes later, I'm standing in his driveway, wondering what comes next.

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_**Emmett**_

I gotta be straight. When Rose said what she had to say, when she told me about what really happened in Boston? I about kicked her ass straight out. I held my temper in check though, and I got the real scoop. She swore up and down that she didn't know until just a week ago, and I believed her because she was being real. Not the Rosalie that everyone else sees, but she was being my Rosie. Really real. Still, I said, you gotta tell the truth, because god knows Alice isn't going to, and fuck, people needed to know the truth.

So she says okay but then the days go by and of course, no one fucking knows. I tell her again, you gotta set shit straight, and I tell her the truth, I say I can't be okay with you being some treacherous bitch like this. She starts talking friends and loyalty and I just let that noise glide over me because this shit is fucked up. Bella? That girl is in pain. Jasper? Pain. That shit just ain't right.

So I tell her that night at the beach that she's gotta do it or I will. She's yelling and I'm yelling and Alice gets into the mix and I straight tell that girl that she needs to tell the fucking truth and then there's more yelling from Alice and Rosalie and ob la de ob la fucking da.

The night goes on and the girl shows up and so does the boy. Boys. Shit.

Then before I can get a word in Cullen bails with Swan after she tells Jasper once and for all to eat shit and that's just about enough. You know, for a minute there, it looked like Whitlock and Swan were going to pull it out. All cozy down by the water, looking up at the fucking stars and shit. Fucking Whitlock, man.

But then she's storming off and Cullen's got her and he looks like he's gonna deck Jasper, and Jasper just fucking loses his shit, like I have never fucking seen – I mean that boy? He's fucking cool. He is fucking Eskimo. But he swings back like he's going for Cullen's face and you know those two used to be fucking tight? And shit was getting better, working out, before spring break. So I'm done. I grab Jasper and I tell him the fucking truth and he's not trying to hearing me so I say it over and over and louder and louder and he stops and turns and stares at me and then he looks at Alice and she just fucking starts bawling and then she's trying to come up on him like they're friends or something. Pssh.

So now everyone knows the truth because I didn't keep that shit quiet when I was trying to get through to Jasper, and Bella's gone with Cullen and Jasper goes after them, and twenty minutes later Rosalie and Alice go in for a cat fight and oh shit! I've gotta see this but I've got Jasper on the phone and besides, that's my girl there, and I got her back so I yank her and put her in the car and Jesus, I thought this was supposed to be a small, quiet town.

I drop Rosie off and we're all good. She goes inside and I don't think the scratch Alice left on her cheek is going to be all that bad. Then I get back to my house and who the fuck is sitting on my front porch swing but little Miss Bella Swan. So I roll over and say hey dollface, because we're down and you know, she's not fucking wasted and she's not fucking high and she's not fucking crying and I just can't remember the last time all that was true at once.

She says can we talk and I say sure. I'm getting ready to tell her what's real but she interrupts me and I'll tell you something, my jaw about fucking dropped when she says how do you handle it with Rosalie?

I say what do you mean but we both fucking know what she means. She means how do I handle her fucking around on me all the time, and how does she handle me doing the same. And yeah, we don't say boyfriend and girlfriend and love but we know the fucking truth. We know that no matter what she's my prom queen and I'm her king, baby, because that's just fucking how it is.

So I try to explain this to her and I say some shit that Rose would knock me sideways for, but you know? I had to do it. Because dollface is sitting here trying to make some fucking sense out of shit, trying to get the fuck over the fact that her man fucked someone else and as I'm talking I realize that it was really fucking shitty that she came to me for help but it was shittier that I could help her. So I told her what I could. I talked like some fucking pussy whipped motherfucker, and I told her about my heart and what I know is true and about how sometimes people do things because of pain that they don't mean. And sometimes people do things because of hurt and because of just fucking fear that they don't really mean. And if you love them, if you know their heart and their soul and you still love them, you gotta get okay with it, and you gotta know that it won't always be like that.

Fuck, if the boys ever heard me talking like that? You couldn't get me to Mexico fast enough.

It was good though, you know? It set some shit right in my head and I called Rosie after Bella left and we talked about some stuff and that was the end of Rosie and other guys and that was the end of me doing things with my fingers to other girls. And shit's been better since then. It's been good.

It wasn't until the next day that I realized that I hadn't told Bella the truth about Alice.

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_**Jasper**_

Strawberries. Filling my nose and filling my hand and I think I'm dreaming but she's stretching back into me, folding herself tighter against me and when I run my hand up along her thigh she sighs and when I palm her hip and pull her closer to me she pushes back into me and rubs her ass against my cock, just the way Trix does. I open my eyes and it's tumbled brown hair all over my pillow, against my arm, sticking to my shirt. I slip my hand around her waist and up against her chest and pull her in tighter because if this is a dream, I want it to last and if this is real I can't let it go. I can't let her go again.

I bring her close. Can I ever get her close enough? I pull her tight to me and because it's a dream I lean over and kiss her neck and because I can't let her go again it feels like it always has, warm and smooth under my lips. She sighs and brings her arm up around my neck and then turns onto her back and now I guess I'm going to wake up or I'm going to have to let her go. She will slide out of my grip and leave without another look. But she doesn't.

She runs her fingers through my hair and she strokes my jaw and she does it by touch. Her eyes never open. Her fingers dance down my neck and then they pull me close to her, and she lifts her head off the pillow just a bit and she wants my mouth and I'm giving it to her, so sweet, so soft, better than it ever was because I missed it so much. I want to beg the gods, all of them, please don't ever let me wake up, please don't ever make me let her go.

She releases me and lays her head back down and I brace myself because if she's a dream, she will evaporate and if she is real, then she will leave. Her lashes flutter and her eyes open and in the brown I see her love shining through. I see some hurt too, and the fences are back, but mostly I see the love and I say good morning? And then like sunshine, she smiles at me. You ever feel somebody's smile in your heart? Like their smile is physically attached to your heart?

Yeah, like that.

I say you're really here and she says you were sleeping and I didn't want to wake you, do you mind? I shake my head no and I'm smiling, for the first time in three months, I'm smiling and it feels strange on my face, like my skin doesn't stretch that way anymore. I open my mouth to her and she gets that little wrinkle between her eyes and says shh. She pulls me closer and lifts her mouth back to mine and after a minute I want to consume her because she's here, she's here, but I don't, I restrain. I don't want to scare her away.

She breaks the kiss and tilts my head, tracing her hand over my jaw. It's a little tender from when she smacked me and she leans up to kiss it and says I'm sorry. She's sorry. I can't help but laugh a little because what in this world does my little Bella-trix have to be sorry about? I smile down at her and then kiss her finger tips as they pass by my mouth. I say who told you because someone did and I owe that someone more gratitude than money can buy. Then she does the strangest thing, but it shouldn't seem that strange because she is Bella-trix and she does not see the world the way most folks do. She says, told me what?

I blink and I don't want to bring it up, but we kind of have to talk about it, as much as I would rather kiss her mouth and her face and her neck and dig my fingers up under that tank top and whoa, ease up there boy, there is time enough for that. So brace myself and I shift a little bit away so she has room to hit me or to leave or do whatever it is she's going to do. I say who told you the truth about Alice?

Now she looks confused and then she looks a little sad and she says you know, I don't want to talk about it anymore, Jasper. If you do it again, I'll have to really be gone. I can't go through this again, and if you do that to me, I'll have to hate you forever. You know that, right? Her eyes are big and round on mine and the fences there are high, and the hurt is creeping in and I want to hold her close and tight and make all of that go away. Instead, I realize that it's my turn to be confused so I say cher, what are you talking about?

She looks at me all wide-eyed and wondering and I swear to you it was like the fucking heavens opened up because all of a sudden I understood. I understood why she was here and I understood that she didn't know the truth of it and I'll tell you straight I started to cry a little, and I'm not ashamed of that, because I understood that she loved me anyway. She thinks I hurt her, thinks I did a terrible thing, and she loves me anyway.

She says I don't think I've forgiven you yet, but I'm trying to learn how. Then a whisper, she says, I have to learn how. I can't be without you anymore.

I can't say anything because this is big. This is epiphanies and thunder and lightning in a bottle and this that moment in your life where someone who's not your Mama loves you so much that they're okay with who you are, even when who you are is awful. I sit up and I pull her onto my lap and I hold her tight, so tight, so fucking tight and she's taken by it and she's still and then she giggles that little Bella-trix giggle and she says baby? I can't breathe.

So I let her breathe a little, but I don't move too much.

When I'm finally done with being overwhelmed, I draw back just enough to look her in the face. I say cher, Trix, Alice lied. Trix blinks and I say she lied about it all. I say she climbed into my bed and thought that she'd start something but I was passed out cold because the aspirin she gave me had some kind of sleeping pill in them and nothing happened but she let me think that it did and then she let Rosalie think that it did but it didn't. I am overcome then, with gratitude that it was a lie, with gratitude for this girl in my arms and I say I am so sorry, Trix, so sorry that you got hurt, cher, and she just blinks. She blinks again and again and she says she lied? I say yeah, she told Rosalie the truth and Rose told Emmett and Emmett told me. It was a lie. And then I'm saying I'm sorry again because I am sorry and because if I hadn't been so stupid and drunk it couldn't have happened at all, so I tell her that and she blinks again and says it was a lie?

I grin my grin and say Trix, cher, keep up with the program. She blinks again and then she busts out her own perfect Bella-trix grin and she clings to me and I cling to her and she giggles and I laugh and we fall back onto the bed and we cling to each other and the sheets cling to us and it's perfect, perfect until she holds still and says wait. Wait.

Fucking wait.

I look at her and she says Emmett didn't tell me. I saw him last night, before I came here, and he didn't say. Then she looks at me like I'm lying and I can see that truth or not, it's going to be a long road back to where we were. I groan because I just want this shit over already so I say please just call him. Call Rosalie, call anyone who was there last night, everyone knows. So she does and again I can see it's going to be a long road back to where we were but that's okay, because we can get there together.

She's talking to Emmett, low and with her back to me. Then she calls Angela and she's louder and then she's pissed. She starts yelling and I slip out of the room and make some coffee for her and check and see that Mama's gone somewhere and I'm glad because I don't want to explain a screaming Trix in my room. Things get quiet and the coffee's done brewing so I fix her a cup and then give it a minute before I creep back to my room. It's quiet and I knock and say Trix before I open the door.

She's sitting on the bed with her phone in her hand and her face is pink and her eyes are bright and her hair is a mess from last night and goddamn she is so fucking sexy I'm getting hard just looking at her. She looks up at me and says, Jas? I feel that thing inside me swell, that feeling like my heart is attached to her smile and like there's balloons and butterflies inside of me, like I'm going to fly and no girl in the world can say that one syllable like she can. She says Jas and I hear love, love, love.

I bring her the coffee and sit down next to her and she says you know, I'm gonna fucking kill that little bitch. I smile and I say yeah, Trix, I know. Then I say, do you think it can wait? And she looks up t me and sees what I'm thinking and she grins and pulls me down on the bed with her and even though we don't make love it's still love and it's still everywhere around us. It's still her skin under my fingers and her breath in my ear. Her mouth. Candymouth. Mine.

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_**(Isa)Bella(trix!)**_

We spent the weekend together. I mean, we spent the weekend touching, together. There was no moment in those two days where we weren't skin to skin in some way. Hands and mouths and limbs and even through all of that we didn't have sex. He didn't push me but I could feel his want and I couldn't say yes or no because shit, we had things to talk about first. I'd worked hard at cutting him to shreds for nothing and I needed him to know I was sorry. I'd worked too hard at making him pay for a mistake he didn't make.

So even though there was want and oh my god did I want him, there was sorry first and if I thought love was a bitch? That was long before I met pride. Marsellus Wallace had that shit right. Pride only hurts, it never helps. I needed him to know that there was no one else. I know he wondered and that hurt enough. It would be too painful to say it.

Still, it was Sunday night and we'd spent the morning in bed and it was perfect and then uneasy because of the want. It was skin to skin and his eyes, my god, did I miss his eyes looking at me like just love and adoration all the time. I missed the way his hands felt on me, the way they fit on my skin like a puzzle piece finally snapping into place. I missed the way his voice would ring in my ear, earnest and pure, saying Bellatrix. Or his laugh, the way his whole body shook with it as he'd rumble out Trix, and god I missed being Trix for him.

So it's Sunday night and he's kissing me and my hand is on his back and it slides down to his ass and I spread my legs so he can get closer, and it's all the old rhythms, but it's brand new and still just right and we both know what we want and I finally say it, I say I want you and he kisses me hard, his hands become hard because I know, I can feel, that he wants me too. Then he does the most terrible thing, and I know that I deserve it but it still fucking breaks my heart. He pauses and then leans toward the nightstand then stops, mid reach. After three months he doesn't know if he needs a condom.

I see the reach, I see the pause and I just fucking lose it. I cry and he's rocking me and saying shush now and I don't deserve it, I don't deserve him and the realization sends me reeling and I cry even harder and I can feel a little bit of desperation in him, a little bit of fear. Trix, he says, shush, shush, Trix. I don't know what to do and I'm just crying and crying and his mom, his fucking mom, knocks on the door and says is everything okay and he says yeah, Mama and that makes me cry harder, him covering for me and then I'm just fucking lost but quiet, quiet, shaking full of quiet tears.

When I'm finally cried out and I'm too fucking weak to fight myself anymore and I say I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry, Jasper and he kisses me, kisses all over my face and he holds me so tight and close to him, just wrapped around me and he says Trix, cher, I love you, it's okay. So of course I have to start crying again because it took him three months of sorry before I could consider it and I barely get the words out of my mouth and his forgiveness is mine. He pulls me close then, so that I'm sitting on his lap and he rains kisses across my face, his hand stroking my hair. I know then that I can never deserve this man, who for some reason that I cannot fathom loves me.

I say I didn't, with anyone, and he holds me tighter and says it would be okay if you did and I say but I didn't, I couldn't and then there're more kisses and I stop crying again and he just holds me until I start to feel like I can breathe without sobbing. He holds me until we fall asleep and then the next morning he has an icy cold washcloth for my eyes which are swollen almost shut from crying. We shower together and it's just soft touches and him washing my hair and that's enough to make me feel beautiful, make me feel loved. Make me ready for what's coming today, because make no mistake, it's coming.

I get to school and everyone's looking because I got there with Jas, falling down out of his beastly truck thing and I'm wearing one of his shirts and everyone knows. Everyone just knows. I'm just pissed that I look like I've been up crying all night because that's considerably less cool than what I want to look like but fuck it. I'm here for a reason and everyone knows it.

I head to the bathroom, pretending not to see the stares. I get in and pull my sunglasses off and then Rosalie walks in and she is hesitant and she says I'm sorry and I know she is. She fixes my make-up, just a little liner and blush so that I don't quite look like I spent all night crying and then she says I'm so sorry, again. I say we're cool and I'm surprised to discover that I mean it. She says what are you going to do and I say I'm gonna kick her fucking ass and she looks down and shakes her head and then she's figured something out because she looks back at me, all clear blue eyes and says try her locker just before the bell rings. I say thanks and she just waves me off and heads back out.

I stay put for a minute more because even though I'm sure, I'm still not really sure. I look at myself in the mirror again and I see the puffy eyes and the collar of Jasper's plaid shirt, the way it's too big and gapes, showing my collar bones and I remember the way his teeth scrape against the skin there and I realize that I've lost three months of that feeling and then I'm sure.

I walk toward her locker, about a minute before the final bell rings. She pops up around the corner looking furtive and sad and this is going to be easier than I thought. I say, hey, bitch. Her head snaps up and she looks terrified and

Wait, what? I was about to hit this tiny girl? Uht-uh. Suddenly I feel bad for wanting to be a cruel as the others.

Still, we've got to have this out. I say what the fuck, Alice? I thought we were friends. What the fuck? And she just starts bawling and going on about how she's sorry and how she felt so bad and how she kept wanting to tell us and on and on and I'm thinking you know, I just don't even need to be here anymore. So I'm getting ready to just walk away and then she says besides, it looked like you and Edward were going to get together and I don't know what more she could have said because that was it for me. I pulled my arm back and I curled my thumb along my knuckles like Charlie taught me and I fucking decked her ass.

Her face was soft and then hard and bumpy and then something gave and there was a noise and it wasn't a crunch but it was sharp and muffled and then she was screaming and there was blood and goddamn that felt good.

I waited with her for the administrators and they booted me out for three days but that didn't matter because it was the last week of classes anyway. I was already graduated. This week was just doing time.

Charlie was pissed but he was glad I didn't hurt myself. He knew there wasn't a lot he could do and it's not like Alice was pressing charges. She didn't want her parents knowing the truth. It didn't matter any way though because come graduation day Alice had to walk in front of everyone with a broken nose and two black eyes and that was sweet fucking justice.

That night after I hit her Jasper was in my room because the Chief said no going out. He slid up the tree like he did that one day I think about how far away we are from then.

Jasper's on my bed and he pulls me down and wraps me up and he kisses the top of my head and he says I wish you hadn't hit her and I say yeah, me too. We laid there in the quiet and all of the eagerness of the weekend was gone. All of the discovery and all of the aching and all of the fierce need to touch was gone.

We were left now with hard things. Things we needed to talk about, like why he needed to get so fucking drunk all the time, and why I needed to let them all touch me and why I needed to hurt him so bad. We were leaving for school in six weeks and all I can think about is how far we are from where we were and it's hard. I don't know if we can get back to where we were, and if we can't, where do we go?

But as the days go by, it gets easier. We talk about the hard things in fits and bursts and it leaves us both feeling raw and ragged. Sometimes when it's done we curl into each other and sometimes we walk away from each other because neither of us has anything left to give. But it's like that story about the pitcher of wine that just keeps pouring and pouring, never going empty: each time we thing we've exhausted our love, he kisses my lips and the pitcher is full.

We will never get back to where we were. I know that now. But what we get instead is stronger. We get faith now that has been tried and found true. We get trust that comes from having tested the outer limits, explored the far reaches, and come back with treasure. We get love that comes from the hard and the easy, as big as it is deep. We get each other, and there isn't much more to need than that.

.

_Me and my girlfriend_

_Don't wear no shoes_

_You know her nose is painted pepper sunlight_

_I love her, I mean it's oh so serious_

_As serious can be_

_-Summertime Rolls, Jane's Addiction_

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**AN:**

Pet Names and Pop-Tarts, and every good thing that a Sunday morning brings belong to krismom who offered to beta and who has done so much more than that, and who sent me naked pictures of Erik to boot.

Thanks that are bigger than words go to TragicCure, who sets canted things straight.

Between them both? At this point, the flaws are mine.

Dedicated to all of you who write reviews, which make me all glowy, inside and out. To all of you who have put this story on alert, who have marked it a favorite, I go squee! each time I see the notification. It startles the animals, but that's okay. For those of you who have pimped this out? I will gladly be your whore.

Epilogue is done and will be posted this week. I am sad to see them go.


	6. Epilogue

_**Get Me To You**_

_**Epilogue**_

_**Jasper**_

Sunday morning and we've got too many places to be. Still that doesn't stop her from rolling over slow into me, and tangling her fingers into my hair. It doesn't stop me from sliding my hand up under her shirt and palming that perfect breast, the one that was made for my hand. Mine.

I roll onto her and it's her mouth, candymouth, all over me, my face, my neck, my mouth. She kisses my shoulder and bites a little and wraps herself around me and it fits, it fits, a perfect fit. I slide my hand along her hip and it's changed, time will do that, but it's still beautiful. Her body is heavier but still supple, still perfect. It's just the weight of the babies and that's alright with me. It's the weight of our love and she had to carry that, but that makes it so beautiful because she is so beautiful and we are so beautiful, together.

She gasps in my ear and her tongue slides out and sucks at my neck. In the last ten years we've learned how to take this dance slow and how to speed this dance up and we both know that this morning time is not on our side. I push into her and it's perfect, perfect, hot and sweet and god I will never have enough of this woman, I can never get far enough inside, never fill my hands enough with her body, she is perfect. She pushes back at me and in a minute we are almost there and I feel her shift her hips and I know exactly what she needs so I give it and she's so tight around me, her hands, her mouth, her body cleaving to me, burying her head in my neck and a second later it's oh, Jas, oh, oh, oh. She is still always surprised. Except when she's screaming. I'll take it all, and I'll take it right now because hearing that always sends me over the edge and in a second I'm there with her, her name on my tongue, my face in her hair, strawberries still. We whisper, we're quiet. We don't want to wake the girls.

Minutes later our breath is caught and she's giggling, her doe eyes looking into mine. I want to eat her smile, eat that little candymouth up and devour her. Instead I toss her a shirt and she hands me some shorts and we lay back in the bed, in each other's arms. Her smile is still attached to my heart, and I feel it rising with the corners of her mouth. Sunday morning is still so sweet.

A moment later we hear a giggle in the hall and then they are upon us. Seven and five, they are so beautiful it makes my heart ache. When Trix found out she was pregnant our junior year of college it was a shock. We learned then about the fallible nature of birth control and penicillin. It didn't matter though. It took us all of ten seconds to realize that this was joy. This was a gift. It was joy made from my love for Trix and her love for me. Joy realized in ten perfect toes and ten perfect fingers. Joy made tangible in long blond curls and big doe eyes. Joy. So when that baby girl was born we named her Joy. And she is.

Her sister, Stella, came two years later. Trix was taking school slow, and I was just entering my second year of grad school, learning all about politics and theory and strategy. It suited me. It suits me still. One morning Trix came and sat beside me on the bed and smiled sweet and her eyes were all lit up and I just knew. I blew kisses onto her belly and she giggled and Joy slept peaceful while we celebrated our newest gift. When Stella came along she was all dark hair and golden brown eyes and my Mama and Trix's daddy both cried when they finally held her. Both of our girls are perfect, perfect.

Not that life always is.

Stella came into the world hard and early and if it wasn't for Edward being there and holding my hand I think I would have lost my mind. It was dumb luck he happened to be here, way out on the Bayou, visiting us before our lives got too hectic but maybe it wasn't luck after all. Maybe it was fate or God or whatever it is that I say thank you to each night.

Seeing Trix in that hospital bed, covered in tubes and swathed in white gutted me. Seeing Stella in the NICU, the tiniest, frailest human being there ever was? I did not know pain came in so many flavors. But Edward was tough and he spoke the language of the doctors. He talked to them and then he talked to me and he told his life to fuck off for a month while he helped us get through that. I will never forget what I owe him for that. Shit, I'll never forget what I owe him for Trix, for those terrible months back in high school and the fact that he kept her for me, and that he gave her back to me.

These days though what I can't forget is the look in his eyes each time a certain dark haired doctor comes into the room. Cullen straightened up a bit in college, and a bit more in med school. He had a couple of close calls with his heart, but he held himself back for something and he didn't know why or what but he said that when Shelly walked into the ER that day and gave him a ration of shit for his rough bedside manner that suddenly he knew. He knew she was his one, and he knew that she always would be and he knew that she was the reason he could never quite make it with the others. Trix beamed when I told her about it and she beamed again when I told her that he was bringing his girl to town for our annual summer visit. We both love him for what he gave us.

The McCarty mob will be here too. Emmett and Rosalie wasted no time after high school. They went to the same college and got married between sophomore and junior year. They had the big wedding full of flowers and pastels and Rosalie did look stunning and I had never seen her happier. It was good, too, because her big shindig meant that Trix and I could slip away quiet and have a small ceremony with just she and me and a dozen other people who needed to be there. Our folks, the McCarty's and Edward. It's all either of us wanted or needed.

That day though, when she said I do? When she promised her love and bound herself to me of her own free will? Top five best days ever. They all are though. Every top five day is her, and every day with her is top five because she is the calm and the storm. We fight, still, but there is never any doubt, never any fear there because we know that this thing? What we have? Nothing in this world can touch it.

That first year after Boston was hard. We'd watch each other, all the time. I was holding my breath, waiting for her to drink too much and let some guy touch her. She held her own breath waiting for me to drink too much and give her a reason to let him. The trust came back though, slow but steady until the one night we went out with friends and I realized that I wasn't holding my breath anymore. She realized she wasn't either and we finally relaxed into this thing, this thing that's held us fast since that fall day when I climbed through her window.

I think back to those days, all the drama and the angst and the sweetness and I'm glad that we still have Edward, and I'm glad that we still have Emmett and Rosalie and that we all have each other. Rosalie is amazing and I never thought I'd see her so. She got pregnant her junior year and Emma Kate is about the same age as Joy. Then came Carter and EJ and finally Alexandra. Alex is the apple of her brother's eyes, and woe unto the boy who tries to kiss that girl first. Rosalie just takes it all in. She is strong and she is more beautiful now than when she was the prom queen. She is more beautiful now than I have ever seen her, and I think that it's because she finally gave in to love. I think it's because she is swimming in it. That night at the beach changed us all, in ways that we couldn't have seen but for which we are still grateful.

Emmett may not have wanted beautiful daughters, but at least he got brothers to help watch over them. It has not escaped our notice though: the irony. Beautiful girls being born to the lot of us, we who were the worst offenders of the females when we were boys. Trix and Rosalie laugh about it, and when Edward's around, he laughs too. I tell him to watch himself. Fate is going to kick that boy's ass and hard. I can't wait to see it. Edward says he can't wait to go to Stella and Carter's wedding, and I told Emmett that I will be nailing the windows shut in my house. Already those two circle each other, he fair and she dark, like two kinds of magnet, pulling and pushing at each other. One day he holds her hand and the next he pulls her hair and she takes him in and pushes him away and I am glad they live so far away.

A small hand wiggles under my arm and the giggles of the three girls I love best bring me back to this Sunday morning. We are sprawled out in the big king sized bed and I flick a switch on the remote and Ella starts singing her songs to us. I sing too and so does Trix and then the girls are giggling and singing and someone produces a box of strawberry pop tarts, which are only allowed on Sunday mornings, and only in bed. Trix looks up at me and says I love you (should we start the day) and I say I love you (give us another hour) and she smiles and Joy bounces and there's strawberry jam ground into the sheet and how I got so lucky, I do not know.

**

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Longest AN Evah:**

**Mad** Happiness to **krismom,** who betas my crap and helps make it magic.

**TragicCure** listens and reassures. It doesn't get much better than that.

**Ya'll…**I just don't know what to say. Seriously – I have reviews that are better written than this fic! A couple of them made me a little weepy. Many of them made me produce noises that either delighted or terrified my hubby in the next room. Most of it has been just…overwhelm. Thank you. Thank you, thank you thank you. **Thank you.**

**Some** of you are reading my fic Brand New Day. Don't. It's shite. You'll only be disappointed. But it just seems lame to yank it. Like only showing your mom the A's and never the D's. Read The First Cut, which is better, but not magic, and not this good. Or Killing Jessica Stanley, which is lemony and kind of funny.

**Musicians** are the ultimate storytellers. It took me over 30,000 words to tell this tale. Jack White could have done it in a four minute song and had room left over for a wicked guitar solo.

**While** writing this, my playlist grew long. Most Notable:

Mint Car, The Cure.

Black Celebration, Depeche Mode.

Ain't No Sunshine, Bill Withers.

Portland, Oregon, Loretta Lynne featuring Jack White.

I Wanna Be Your Lover, and Anotherloverholeinyohead, Prince.

Summertime Rolls, Classic Girl and I Would for You; Jane's Addiction.

Good Old Fashioned Loverboy, Queen.

Gone Daddy Gone and Please Please Please Do Not Go, Violent Femmes.

Beat Surrender, The Jam.

Fell In Love With A Girl and Forever for Her (Is Over for Me), White Stripes. Lots and lots of White Stripes.

Dosed, Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Divorce Song, Liz Phair.

Girl, You'll be a Woman Soon, Urge Overkill.

Magic Man and Kick it Out, Heart.

Mary Jane's Last Dance, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

Miss You, Blink 182.

Lots of Tragically Hip, Elvis Costello, Phish and Guns N'Roses.


End file.
